Forgiving Abuse: Part III (Physical)

Today, as Part III of our abuse-blog series, we will discuss the differences between harsh discipline and physical abuse and how the intentions differ. As you prayerfully consider how you should forgive, please remember that by no means are you obligated to endure abusive conditions. If you are currently suffering abuse, please contact the authorities. If you need help or counseling, please contact the church at 419-893-2171. We hope this blog will help you as your prayerfully consider your next steps.

Harsh discipline
Today, there are many resources available on how to discipline children. However, years ago, those resources were not as easily accessible to parents, and, as a result, they did not know how to properly discipline their children. Instead, parents disciplined according to how they were disciplined when they were younger, and oftentimes, this was done more harshly than what is acceptable today. It was not uncommon for children to be disciplined out of anger, and for their parents to justify it and excuse it. Some parents were wrongfully taught that they could treat their children however they wished and that practically any kind of discipline was acceptable as long as it got their children to behave. Moreover, these same patterns of discipline were oftentimes passed down from previous generations to the next out of ignorance.  Parents loved their children, but either were wrongfully taught or misunderstood what true biblical discipline was all about. If someone is suffering today with a lack of forgiveness for parents who wrongfully disciplined them, he or she may misconstrue this as having been abusive.  It is wise for this family member to consider all the factors involved and prayerfully ascertain whether true physical abuse had taken place, or whether it was harsh and wrongful disciplinary patterns instead. True physical abuse would have had the intent to do harm, whereas, harsh discipline would have more likely had the intent to correct and chasten. God’s will for anyone, who has suffered  harsh discipline in his or her past, is to forgive the parents and to try to understand and have compassion for the lack of knowledge their parents possessed. When  a person learns from our parents' mistakes and not repeats  them, it can only be healthy for you and for your future generations.

Parents, who realize later in life that they have sinned against their children by disciplining them too harshly, would be wise to seek God’s forgiveness and to make an effort to reconcile with their children no matter how old they might be. These parents will oftentimes face long-term consequences, even though God offers His loving grace and forgiveness. A lesson to be learned is that when we act upon our own judgment without consulting the Word of God, we more often than not fail and make matters worse. Man’s morality is so dim compared to God’s, so that when we try in our own efforts to be good (without His help) it usually results in sin instead.  It is far wiser to seek God for answers and to search His Holy Word for guidance, remembering how much God loves us and His mercy towards us goes hand-in-hand with His correction of our sinful nature. Conversely, If parents were intentionally cruel in the past, as opposed to being ignorantly harsh, forgiveness is still warranted from the child. However, the road to restoration will be more lengthy as more healing would be required. 

Physical (Non-sexual) Abuse
As mentioned previously, there is a difference between cruel discipline/ abuse and harsh discipline (out of ignorance). There is no excuse for cruelty or physical abuse, yet these acts of violence are very prevalent in today’s society and have been for a very long time. Before discussing abuse, it must be stressed that spanking a child, while adhering to biblical guidelines, does not usually constitute abuse. It is possible to remain loving while disciplining with spanking and verbal correction. However, it is imperative that certain guidelines are followed so that spanking does not result in harm or injury whatsoever. As a reminder, never discipline when your emotions are left unchecked i.e. out of anger or frustration. You will only be heaping up your own sins. Instead, take a moment to prayerfully seek God for His wisdom and let your temper cool, so that you can remain blameless in the sight of God in how you discipline your child.

    Pure abuse is malicious and evil. Abuse's intent is harm another person, either as a show of power, anger, or cruelty. It is only forgivable because we have a big God.  Any person who has been abused, whether it is an adult, child, or spouse, needs to be reminded of the power of forgiving the abuser seventy-times seven. (Matthew 18:21-22) In other words, the intent to truly forgive begins the healing process. Sometimes forgiveness for the abuser is difficult for the individual to accomplish alone, so seeking out a pastor or counselor would be beneficial and probably needed. It is possible for abusive parents or spouses to accept Christ, be forgiven, set free from abusive patterns, and to experience real life change as a result of the power of the Holy Spirit acting in their lives. It is wise that once they have come to the realization of their heinous sins and repented of them to then seek forgiveness not only from God but also from  those whom they abused. Then, they should tenderly work toward the restoration of  their relationships, that is, if the victims of their abuse are willing to do so. (Matthew 5:23-24)  Nevertheless, God is the judge of all sin, and those who have not repented of their sins will be judged one day by God.  All people will be held accountable for their own sins, and they are responsible for making things right especially when they have sinned against others.

Unfortunately, abuse is a sin that can be passed from generation to generation, unless someone down the line decides to end the abusive cycle. He or she must purposely choose to not be abusive just because a parent had been. With spousal abuse, a spouse does not have to retaliate abusive behavior with abuse of his or her own.  Oftentimes, abuse is not just one-sided but rather an abusive pattern of retaliation between both spouses. Yet, one partner is often blamed more than the other. So before pointing fingers, remember to ask yourself if your abusive actions are perpetuating the cycle of abuse. (Galatians 5:14-16)

As stated in the Forgiving Abuse: Part I blog post, forgiveness of an abusive family member prevents a root of bitterness from developing in the heart of the victim.  Forgiving an abuser by no means condones the abusive behavior nor accepts it as right. Instead, forgiveness is a tool to bring healing to the victim, who has decided to pray for and love the abuser with a supernatural love, which could not have been present in any other way than by God. (Hebrews 12:14-15) Once adult children (or formerly abused spouses) have purposed to forgive their abuser, it is imperative not to repeat the behavior demonstrated by others.  In other words, adult children need to do all they can to learn how to discipline their children in godly ways, and marriage partners should not take abusive behavior into other relationships.  After all, repentance means turning away and fleeing from the sins of the past and going forward according to God’s ways.

If abuse is presently occurring by a parent or a spouse, then, action must be taken. The police should be called on behalf of those who are unsafe, especially minors, the disabled, or the elderly. Typically, it is  recommended that an abused spouse go to a safe place where she or he can be protected by the authorities. Biblical counseling and intervention by pastoral leadership are imperative when abuse is taking place by people attending  the church.  If an abuser refuses to repent, get counsel, or any other type of help to overcome his abusive nature, then, sometimes, help is forced upon him by the legal system when the police are involved.  Don't forget that God works in ways beyond those of men, and there are many stories of conversion for those who found the Lord in prisons and jails. Perhaps, it is the greatest act of love when the people in their lives trust in the Lord's mercy and turn their loved ones into the authorities, so he or she can get the help and intervention they need.

As a victim, you are empowered to use biblical based boundaries to speak the truth in love to the abuser. If it helps, invite a third-party to be present , and you may share with him/her what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Truly repentant people will be willing to jump through any hoops necessary in order to reconcile with the family members they abused. Whereas, those who do not desire to change will prove themselves to be unrepentant and may still remain a threat to their families.

Adult children, whose parents are elderly, oftentimes honor their parents by helping to care for them. However, if the parents are still physically abusive towards their adult children, community organizations can help give the elderly parents the care they need, so the child will not be forced to endure the abuse any longer. Abusers need to understand that their abuse has consequences attached to it, and the only way that true healing can take place is by the power of the Holy Spirit in their lives, salvation by Jesus Christ, and a change in behavior and demeanor, which is only possible through God.  Abusive parents need to be made aware that until they discontinue their abuse, their own families are not obligated to expose themselves to it.  Repentant parents (1 Corinthians 6:9-11), on the other hand, may enjoy many years of restored relationships with family and friends. These parents, who have been transformed by Christ, will need to understand that it will take a long time for their children to trust them again. If they were an abusive parent, they will need to be patient, trusting in God, while waiting for their children to work through their own feelings. Once again, in these situations, biblical counseling will be very helpful in working through these relationship issues.