Forgiving Abuse: Part IV (Sexual)

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Forgiving Abuse: Part III (Physical)

Today, as Part III of our abuse-blog series, we will discuss the differences between harsh discipline and physical abuse and how the intentions differ. As you prayerfully consider how you should forgive, please remember that by no means are you obligated to endure abusive conditions. If you are currently suffering abuse, please contact the authorities. If you need help or counseling, please contact the church at 419-893-2171. We hope this blog will help you as your prayerfully consider your next steps.

Harsh discipline
Today, there are many resources available on how to discipline children. However, years ago, those resources were not as easily accessible to parents, and, as a result, they did not know how to properly discipline their children. Instead, parents disciplined according to how they were disciplined when they were younger, and oftentimes, this was done more harshly than what is acceptable today. It was not uncommon for children to be disciplined out of anger, and for their parents to justify it and excuse it. Some parents were wrongfully taught that they could treat their children however they wished and that practically any kind of discipline was acceptable as long as it got their children to behave. Moreover, these same patterns of discipline were oftentimes passed down from previous generations to the next out of ignorance.  Parents loved their children, but either were wrongfully taught or misunderstood what true biblical discipline was all about. If someone is suffering today with a lack of forgiveness for parents who wrongfully disciplined them, he or she may misconstrue this as having been abusive.  It is wise for this family member to consider all the factors involved and prayerfully ascertain whether true physical abuse had taken place, or whether it was harsh and wrongful disciplinary patterns instead. True physical abuse would have had the intent to do harm, whereas, harsh discipline would have more likely had the intent to correct and chasten. God’s will for anyone, who has suffered  harsh discipline in his or her past, is to forgive the parents and to try to understand and have compassion for the lack of knowledge their parents possessed. When  a person learns from our parents' mistakes and not repeats  them, it can only be healthy for you and for your future generations.

Parents, who realize later in life that they have sinned against their children by disciplining them too harshly, would be wise to seek God’s forgiveness and to make an effort to reconcile with their children no matter how old they might be. These parents will oftentimes face long-term consequences, even though God offers His loving grace and forgiveness. A lesson to be learned is that when we act upon our own judgment without consulting the Word of God, we more often than not fail and make matters worse. Man’s morality is so dim compared to God’s, so that when we try in our own efforts to be good (without His help) it usually results in sin instead.  It is far wiser to seek God for answers and to search His Holy Word for guidance, remembering how much God loves us and His mercy towards us goes hand-in-hand with His correction of our sinful nature. Conversely, If parents were intentionally cruel in the past, as opposed to being ignorantly harsh, forgiveness is still warranted from the child. However, the road to restoration will be more lengthy as more healing would be required. 

Physical (Non-sexual) Abuse
As mentioned previously, there is a difference between cruel discipline/ abuse and harsh discipline (out of ignorance). There is no excuse for cruelty or physical abuse, yet these acts of violence are very prevalent in today’s society and have been for a very long time. Before discussing abuse, it must be stressed that spanking a child, while adhering to biblical guidelines, does not usually constitute abuse. It is possible to remain loving while disciplining with spanking and verbal correction. However, it is imperative that certain guidelines are followed so that spanking does not result in harm or injury whatsoever. As a reminder, never discipline when your emotions are left unchecked i.e. out of anger or frustration. You will only be heaping up your own sins. Instead, take a moment to prayerfully seek God for His wisdom and let your temper cool, so that you can remain blameless in the sight of God in how you discipline your child.

    Pure abuse is malicious and evil. Abuse's intent is harm another person, either as a show of power, anger, or cruelty. It is only forgivable because we have a big God.  Any person who has been abused, whether it is an adult, child, or spouse, needs to be reminded of the power of forgiving the abuser seventy-times seven. (Matthew 18:21-22) In other words, the intent to truly forgive begins the healing process. Sometimes forgiveness for the abuser is difficult for the individual to accomplish alone, so seeking out a pastor or counselor would be beneficial and probably needed. It is possible for abusive parents or spouses to accept Christ, be forgiven, set free from abusive patterns, and to experience real life change as a result of the power of the Holy Spirit acting in their lives. It is wise that once they have come to the realization of their heinous sins and repented of them to then seek forgiveness not only from God but also from  those whom they abused. Then, they should tenderly work toward the restoration of  their relationships, that is, if the victims of their abuse are willing to do so. (Matthew 5:23-24)  Nevertheless, God is the judge of all sin, and those who have not repented of their sins will be judged one day by God.  All people will be held accountable for their own sins, and they are responsible for making things right especially when they have sinned against others.

Unfortunately, abuse is a sin that can be passed from generation to generation, unless someone down the line decides to end the abusive cycle. He or she must purposely choose to not be abusive just because a parent had been. With spousal abuse, a spouse does not have to retaliate abusive behavior with abuse of his or her own.  Oftentimes, abuse is not just one-sided but rather an abusive pattern of retaliation between both spouses. Yet, one partner is often blamed more than the other. So before pointing fingers, remember to ask yourself if your abusive actions are perpetuating the cycle of abuse. (Galatians 5:14-16)

As stated in the Forgiving Abuse: Part I blog post, forgiveness of an abusive family member prevents a root of bitterness from developing in the heart of the victim.  Forgiving an abuser by no means condones the abusive behavior nor accepts it as right. Instead, forgiveness is a tool to bring healing to the victim, who has decided to pray for and love the abuser with a supernatural love, which could not have been present in any other way than by God. (Hebrews 12:14-15) Once adult children (or formerly abused spouses) have purposed to forgive their abuser, it is imperative not to repeat the behavior demonstrated by others.  In other words, adult children need to do all they can to learn how to discipline their children in godly ways, and marriage partners should not take abusive behavior into other relationships.  After all, repentance means turning away and fleeing from the sins of the past and going forward according to God’s ways.

If abuse is presently occurring by a parent or a spouse, then, action must be taken. The police should be called on behalf of those who are unsafe, especially minors, the disabled, or the elderly. Typically, it is  recommended that an abused spouse go to a safe place where she or he can be protected by the authorities. Biblical counseling and intervention by pastoral leadership are imperative when abuse is taking place by people attending  the church.  If an abuser refuses to repent, get counsel, or any other type of help to overcome his abusive nature, then, sometimes, help is forced upon him by the legal system when the police are involved.  Don't forget that God works in ways beyond those of men, and there are many stories of conversion for those who found the Lord in prisons and jails. Perhaps, it is the greatest act of love when the people in their lives trust in the Lord's mercy and turn their loved ones into the authorities, so he or she can get the help and intervention they need.

As a victim, you are empowered to use biblical based boundaries to speak the truth in love to the abuser. If it helps, invite a third-party to be present , and you may share with him/her what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Truly repentant people will be willing to jump through any hoops necessary in order to reconcile with the family members they abused. Whereas, those who do not desire to change will prove themselves to be unrepentant and may still remain a threat to their families.

Adult children, whose parents are elderly, oftentimes honor their parents by helping to care for them. However, if the parents are still physically abusive towards their adult children, community organizations can help give the elderly parents the care they need, so the child will not be forced to endure the abuse any longer. Abusers need to understand that their abuse has consequences attached to it, and the only way that true healing can take place is by the power of the Holy Spirit in their lives, salvation by Jesus Christ, and a change in behavior and demeanor, which is only possible through God.  Abusive parents need to be made aware that until they discontinue their abuse, their own families are not obligated to expose themselves to it.  Repentant parents (1 Corinthians 6:9-11), on the other hand, may enjoy many years of restored relationships with family and friends. These parents, who have been transformed by Christ, will need to understand that it will take a long time for their children to trust them again. If they were an abusive parent, they will need to be patient, trusting in God, while waiting for their children to work through their own feelings. Once again, in these situations, biblical counseling will be very helpful in working through these relationship issues. 

Forgiving Abuse: Part II (Verbal)

We understand that abuse is a very serious topic. Consequently, we have not taken the responsibility of answering this person's question lightly, and we have decided that since there are multiple types of abuse we should address each one individually. Afterwards, we will discuss the various applications of forgiveness  and the recourse of action that should be taken. If you are suffering from the aftermath of abuse and would like to seek help and counseling, please feel free to call at 419-893-2171.

Verbal Abuse
Verbal abuse is a very subjective form of abuse. What one person considers to be verbal abuse, another may consider to be an angry outburst or slip of the tongue. A person saying hurtful things out of passion, anger, or frustration may be lacking in self control and poor judgment without being abusive. Losing one’s temper, having a loss of self control, exhibiting angry outbursts, and screaming or yelling are all sinful deeds and need to be addressed as such. Repentance is required for complete healing and restoration to take place. Although inappropriate and hurtful, not all sinful anger is considered abuse. Abusive speech usually includes vicious name-calling,  cruel  demeaning comments, or threatening harm against any child, teenager, or adult . If the abuser makes physical or sexual threats to harm another, verbal abuse is then considered to be a criminal offense. In this case, the police should be called, especially if the victim feels  that she/he or any person in the household is unsafe. Although much of what people consider to be verbal abuse is anger expressed in sinful ways, one must take care to recognize true abuse when it occurs and act upon it. Nevertheless, it is important to differentiate between foolish talk, a lack of self control, insensitivity, and actual malicious behavior. One must never sweep inappropriate sexual or demeaning comments under the carpet, but instead take action, even if it means reporting it to a counselor, pastor, or police officer.  The victim of verbal abuse must take care to avoid retaliating with abuse or angry outbursts. When the victim banters back and forth, downplaying the severity, it does not change the circumstances, but instead, inflames them, and makes both parties into abusers. Correcting someone who is angry or verbally abusive must be done biblically, while being honest enough to tell the perpetrator that one is not comfortable with his/her speech. This must follow the biblical pattern, remembering to take into account the passages found in Matthew 7:1-5, Ephesians 4:15, and Proverbs 15:1. If the person using inappropriate language does not stop after loving correction, then it may be time to consult a pastor or other leader for help according to Matthew 18:15-17. More often than not, the person whose speech is angry or abusive needs the life-saving power of Jesus Christ in his/her life, just as every person does. Counseling or mentoring can help the  sinning person grow in his or her walk with the Lord, and this person may be taught how to  speak biblically instead of angrily or foolishly. After learning how to apply Scriptural truth, and to trust in the power of the Holy Spirit, people oftentimes can escape their sinful patterns of behavior and speech, and learn how to use their words for good instead of evil. It cannot be stressed enough however, that truly malicious and abusive speech needs to be addressed by contacting leaders of the church and/or the legal authorities if not repented of and danger is imminent.

(Our next blog post will discuss the different types of physical abuse and the steps one should take when faced with this type of abuse.)

Forgiving Abuse: Part I

How can we forgive the abuse suffered in childhood?

Forgiving a parent, neighbor, family friend, or relative for the abuse suffered in childhood can be one of the most difficult things a person can ever do. Yet, through the power, forgiveness, and the love of Jesus Christ, it is possible to not only forgive such horrendous acts, but also to live victoriously and confidently in the Lord afterwards.

Verbal abuse,  physical (non-sexual) abuse, sexual abuse, and harsh discipline should all be addressed  differently. Some acts of abuse are criminal behavior, requiring the aid of police and the judicial system, while other acts are more subjective in nature.  Nonetheless, abuse of any kind is sin, and requires the offender to repent and seek God’s forgiveness as well as the forgiveness of the victim he or she abused.  True and long-lasting healing of a relationship can only occur if Jesus Christ is welcomed as Savior, and the power of the cross has changed both the lives of the abuser and the abused forever, making them new creations.  (2 Corinthians 5:17-19)

Regardless, if  the abuser has or has not been saved and repented , the victim has the responsibility of forgiving “seventy-times seven" (Matthew 18:21-22 ). This means that the person must forgive the abuser over and over again if need be no matter the terrible deeds that were done.  As unfair as it seems, forgiving is for the victim's benefit, not the abuser's. By forgiving, the victim prevents a root of bitterness to dwell within his or her heart. While we may think that it is our right to hold a grudge to be upset, that very right we hold onto to so dearly only hurts us victim in the end. By refusing to forgive, we condemn ourselves to remember and relive the abusive works against us. By allowing bitterness into our hearts, we only inflict more damage and destruction into our souls, minds, and whole being. It's like personally cutting open a wound over and over again, making it bleed, and refusing to let it heal. After everything that has happened to you, don't you deserve to have peace? Don't let the abusive works and lack of forgiveness take hold of you and chain you down. Don't let it define you and shape who you are.  Set yourself free by seeking  Jesus to help you forgive. It won't be easy, but do it for yourself and do it because God wants you to forgive. "Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32  In the end, you find that you are a much stronger, wiser person than if you held onto the bitterness.

 A good way to start the forgiveness process is to pray for yourself to be open to the healing God wants to provide. Pray for wisdom and emotional healing from what you have suffered through.  Above all, and most difficult, pray for the abuser to come to Christ and to leave his or her wicked ways. Pray for healing and the blood of Christ to renew their life. Just start to pray and seek God and trust Him to deal with the abuser. Don't worry about anger or revenge. (Romans 12:17-19)  God has promised us that he will right the wrongs, even if we do not see it with our own eyes. Have faith in Him and His ultimate wisdom. When it's hard to pray these prayers, remember that forgiving the offender helps to promote healing and freedom in our lives, whether the abuser is repentant of or not.  Forgiving an abusive person  is in no way condoning their sin or criminal activity. There will always be consequences for maliciously hurting another. Instead, by forgiving, you allow the Holy Spirit to help you move on and escape the mantle of abuse, so you can live in victory and freedom in Christ. So, take a moment and pray for God's guidance as you take the first steps in restoration.

(Our next blog post  will delve into the different types of abuse and the different recourses to forgive the abuser.)

Naming Daddy

Question: Is it ok for my daughter to call my husband "Daddy" when he is not her biological father?

Answer: Of course, it's ok as long as it's ok with both your husband and your child. There is nothing wrong with a child calling a stepfather, Daddy, especially if her biological father is not involved in her life.  The term “Daddy” is a term of endearment and encompasses more than one of a biological nature. Being a dad or daddy isn't about the conception, but rather the man who is raising, loving, training, and being there for the child. It's not a term to use loosely with any man (or boyfriend), but rather for the one who is truly committed to raising and caring for the child for the whole of the child's life.  As long as both the child and the stepparent are comfortable with the term, then, there is no problem. The influence of a father on a child’s life is paramount, and the bonding that can occur with a stepparent and the child can be just as strong as that of a biological parent.

However, a child should never be forced to call a stepparent by that name. An older child may find it uncomfortable and difficult to call a man such a meaningful term of endearment, especially if the child hasn't known the man for very long or if the biological father is already "Daddy" and involved in the child's life. Some families have chosen to use an alternative nickname for the stepparent, such as “Daddy-Jack” or another of their choosing.  Regardless of whether or not the child calls the stepparent Dad or not, the child must always be respectful of both the parents and stepparents in their lives. God brought this stepparent into her life for a reason, and the child is required to honor and respect him. If it is your husband that is uncomfortable, you need to make sure you discuss the reasons why. Typically, forging a new family together isn’t easy, but seeking God's Word and communicating with each other is the key to successfully bridging any obstacle. As a married couple, you need to discuss the matter and be in agreement of what is best for the family and, in particular, the child.

Remember though, that as Christians we too are adopted. Though God has always been our creator, He has not always been our Heavenly Father because we were first born into a nature of sin and death. However, it was through Jesus Christ and His sacrifice that we were saved from our old life and adopted into the family of God. Through our salvation, we have a new family; other Christians become our brothers and sisters, and God becomes our Heavenly Father. And even though we were previously born of death, we are encouraged in His Holy Word that not only God is our father, but to call him accordingly. He is our "Dad!” (Romans 8:14-17) We are not secondary citizens or slaves in our new "family." Instead, God, Himself, recognizes us as His children and loves us in return. There is nothing more exciting than being totally and completely accepted from those who love us!

Whatever you do and whatever you decide, remember that the terminology or names of parental roles isn't as important as the role God has imparted on you: to lead and love your family in a God-honoring and Christ-centered home.

Daddy's Girl

Question: In the Family Room, we touched on the father to children relationship, as a daughter how can I have a better relationship with my dad?

Answer: As a daughter, it can be hard to build a better relationship with our dads. Not because we don't love them, but  because we just don't share the same interests. We can't help it. We just don't understand his undying passion for that sports team, or that outdoor hobby, or that disgusting, unhealthy favorite junk food, which he seems to inhale. (Yes, dad, I'm talking about you. Eat healthier! I want you to live a long, long time.) Anyways, regardless of our feelings about his obsessions, it's important as a daughter to get to know those interests, likes, and dislikes. Then, we need to accommodate our fathers by inviting him over and cooking his favorite meal, or playing his favorite card game, or even watching his favorite television show or sports program with him. Not to mention, you'll probably earn extra brownie points if you take the time to learn a little bit about his favorite sports team, like who the pitcher or quarterback is or how their season is going thus far.

Be forewarned, guys are rarely as chatty as girls. Don't expect your dad to openly shower you with information and clues on what you can do to build the relationship. You may have to corner him and ask him directly, "How did your team do in the game last night?," "Have you been golfing lately?", or "Did you go to that Men's Bible Study?" Yes, you may even have to take the initiative and invite him out for dinner and a movie for a special daughter-dad date. While fathers may not express it, they sometimes get jealous of their daughter's relationship with her mom. Girls (mothers & daughters) have a natural inclination to express feelings and details, which guys do not. So, make sure your dad knows he's appreciated and don't leave him in the dark about important things that happen in your life.

You may need to take even more initiative when your father is retired or elderly. Without employment or a regular schedule, fathers find themselves with more time on their hands than what they know what to do with. One mistake we as humans make is that we put off building family relationships until after we've established our career, earned more money, or have more free time. The problem is once we reach the" after" point, everyone else is just as busy with their lives. Your elderly father and/or parents need to know that they still matter, even in your adult life. Many elderly folks would appreciate a weekly call or visit from their kids or grandkids. Not to mention, they tend to feel hurt if they do not receive it.  In addition, some elderly believe that if a child does not take the initiative that means he or she does not respect them. By taking the initiative, you are showing your elderly father that you honor and respect your parents, just as the Bible commands. (Deuteronomy 5:16)

In the same way, let's make sure we do not commit to the same mistakes as so many others. Let's make sure that the busyness in our lives do not hinder our relationships with our children or our parents. If we let the hectic schedule of our lives consume us, we may find that we miss our chance either through the death of a failed relationship or the physical separation of death of a loved one. Life is short, much shorter than we realize. Even if you struggle to have a relationship with your father due to his past failures or transgressions against you, today is the day for you to forgive and put the past behind you. Do not let your heart harden and miss the restoration God wants for you and your relationship with your father. If you find that his infraction is too great to overcome, don't be afraid to seek biblical counsel. Do all that you can to purpose and foster and build your relationship with your dad, so you can live your life without regret.

The Standard of Friends

Question: What do you do if other Christian families do not follow the same standards as you?

Answer: In the last blog, we discussed the importance of setting standards. However, as you raise your child, you will find that other families, even Christian families, will have different standards and values than you. It is important to remember that you are not responsible for other households. You cannot control what they allow or disallow in their home. While you may discuss your values and reasoning with other parents, they make the ultimate decision in their home, as you do in yours.

    Communication and respect are vital, as they are in any relationship.  It is wise to have some sort of relationship, even if  just as a friendly acquaintance, with your children's friends' parents, especially when your children are young. If your child wants to stay over at a friend's house, who does not share your values, communicate with your child as well as that friend's parents what your child may participate in and what he or she may not. Make sure your child also knows that it is okay to say no to an activity, no matter what his or her friends think, and especially if it means that he or she obeying and respecting  you.  If you are entertaining other children at your house, it is only good manners to ask their parents what they may watch or listen to and what they may not. Then, be respectful of their wishes, even if it means that for the time being you may disallow certain entertainment in your home.

    If your children's friends are not being raised in Christian homes, communication with both your children and their parents is even more important. Know what kind of home they have and what kind of values their families embrace. If you find that their upbringing and lack of standards/values are actually offensive or harmful to your child, you may want to consider not allowing your child to stay overnight or to play at their homes. Or you may decide to allow the friend to come over to your home instead. However, do not assume anything about any particular family or home.  Both Christian and Non-Christian homes could have similar standards as you or they may have a harmful lack of values. 

While we are called to be loving examples of Christ to the world, we are also called to protect our children. Either way, it is never easy to tell another parent that your child may not participate in a particular event. Still, at the end of the day, you are accountable to the Lord for how you raise the children He has blessed you with. Seek the Holy Spirit’s guidance and God's Word to help you to do what is best for all concerned, so that your home would become that beacon of light and haven of safety to the world.