Setting the Standard

Question: How do you set standards with video games & media in the home?

Answer: The first step in setting standards is taking an active role in your children's entertainment. Yes, that means you will need to watch what they watch no matter how silly the show may seem. Never assume that because it's on a children or family-friendly network that it is teaching your child morally sound lessons. While it important to look at the parental guidance ratings, just because it is G or PG-rated does not mean the show is appropriate for your child or your family. Do not take television or media for granted. The internet, TV, Movies, magazines, and books may all be beneficial and used as tools of learning, or they may be tools of destruction. As the parent, you are the authority in your home and you are accountable to God for your family's well-being. So be involved and monitor what your children watch, listen to, read, and seek out on the internet. Don't forget that you have an enemy, alive and active, seeking for someone devour. (1 Peter 5:8)  Make sure your entertainment isn't the doorway for him to get into your home.

The second step is to know your children. One child may be naturally more mature than another. One may be more grounded or can rationalize, process, and discern better than another. There are appropriate and inappropriate shows for each child. Make sure that whatever they watch is appropriate for their age, maturity, and education. Whether it is a positive influence or a negative influence, entertainment and media will shape and mold your children in some way, so it's up to you to identify these influences in their lives. After all, it is your role to safe-guard your child. After you've monitored your child's entertainment, ask yourself is this too complicated for my child to understand?  Is my child mature enough to be able to learn from this? Can my child point out what is morally right and morally wrong about this show/movie/music/etc.? Also, remind them that entertainment is a privilege, not a requirement. Teach them how to balance work, family, and downtime. Too often, we make entertainment an idol in our lives. So take the time, to turn off the TV and media once a week and spend time with your family. Afterwards, you may that you know your child better and can discern their entertainment choices better. 

The final and most important step is, as a parent, don't forget that you set the example. Your kids are more likely to choose wisely and be discerning if you also choose wisely and be discerning. Remember that both parents are a team, so set the standard together. Then, be consistent in following them so there's no confusion in your home. Do not let worldly influences or even other families' standards be your guide. Instead, use the Bible. While the Bible may not say, "watch this, but not that." It does say in Proverbs 4:23, to "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." You need to ask yourself are you putting a guard on your hearts and minds and protecting yourself. The Bible also says to think on true, noble, pure, and admirable things. (Philippians 4:8) Does your entertainment reflect these esteemed and desirable qualities? Even Jesus said in Matthew 22:37 that the most important commandments is to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." Is what you're putting into your heart and soul and mind equivalent to loving God? If you're unsure, don't be afraid to ask God for guidance, Psalm 139:23-24, "Search me, God, and know my heart...Lead me in the way everlasting."

Take a moment and prayerfully seek God and His Word about what's appropriate for your family. He will give you your answers as you set your home's standards. Make the decision for what is best for you and your family, and following His guiding and not the influence of other families, what is popular, or what is socially acceptable. If you follow these steps, you can be assured that whatever standard you set will be pleasing to God.

Living Long-Distance Lives

Question: How do you work on building relationships with family when  your closest family is hundreds of miles away?
 

Answer: Fortunately, with today's technology of email, Skype, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, texting, and countless other social media sites, we can be constantly involved and informed about each other's lives. We can even use that good ol' technology of  the post office and send a letter, or we can make a phone call. With today's vast transportation system, we can make cross-country trips in  a matter of hours. Of course, both parties should be able to save up and visit each other, so the burden or money, time, and travel doesn't fall to heavy on one family member to do all the connecting. If you aren't technologically savvy, we encourage you to try new things, learn a new skill, so to stay in contact with everyone in your family despite the generational or technological gaps. There is so much we can do in this day in age to stay in touch and build relationships.

Yet, surprisingly, with all this and possibly due to all this technology, long distance relationships are not only common but are quickly becoming the norm. How often do we visit or talk to the family we have in town? Years ago, visiting the grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, were a regular monthly, maybe even, weekly occurrence. Now, we're lucky to see the extended family once a year for special holidays and events. Don't forget that relationships take work; they take initiative to foster and grow. I believe one most common mistakes that our modern society makes with all our technology is that we  mistake information for a relationship.  A status update on Facebook or a tweet does not a conversation make. In addition, if you're waiting on someone else to reach out and contact you, you may be waiting forever.  You need to be willing to take the initiative, make the effort, and pick up the phone to talk to someone or  to write someone an encouraging email. Don't settle for a living a long-distance life with relationships of people who only live minutes away. You may be surprised how enriched your life can be when you take the initiative.

Another reason we live long-distance lives may be job-related. Sometimes, family moves away for a larger income or a promotion, or sometimes, the military and active service separates us from our loved ones.  If that's the case, the best thing to do is be supportive always. We would do well to respect  their choices, do all we can to stay connected,  and encourage them . Too often, people who have taken jobs elsewhere or who serve in the armed services, are made to feel guilty for their choices and pressured to do something that God has not called them to do. Anyone who follows God's calling, even if it seems dangerous or risky or even foolish to us as family members, should be applauded. Never let your own insecurities about a situation weigh down your loved ones. Instead, let your insecurities weigh on God, and let Him take care of both of you. (1 Peter 5:7)  Remember to keep those loved ones in prayer. After all, it's probably not easy for them either being away from the ones they love.

Now, if past family discord or abuse were the cause of the separation, it is understandable that you may not want to keep in communication with them or they with you. As difficult as it may be, God has called us to forgive one another (Matthew 6:14-15) and be peacemakers (Romans 12:14-16). The only representative of God in your family's life may be you. As a beginning, try to keep in touch with family members at least a couple times per month.  Remember as you interact with difficult family members that as Christ-followers, we are to clothe ourselves with love, humility, and kindness (Colossians 3:12-15). The more difficult or frigid the family member may be the more bundling it may require.

If abuse and discord is still active and destructive in your family, pastoral counseling may be needed to help the healing process with these unhealthy relationships. Sometimes, a family needs to learn and understand what kind of communication is healthiest in their situation. Just remember, we are to be peacemakers not peace-meddlers,  and righteous, not self-righteous. As Jesus said before we judge anyone else, we need to judge ourselves first.  (Matthew 7:1-5)

So what if you find yourself without family? Maybe you're the one who moved away? Or maybe all your loved ones have passed on? Or the hurt and abuse from your family is too painful for a lot of contact? To all of you, I want to remind you are not alone. Yes, God is there to be your Comforter and Father, so rely on him to supply all your needs physically, emotionally, and mentally; however, also remember that you have a church family who wants to get to know you and love and accept you. The best way to meet your new family is for you to get involved. There are over a thousand people at Calvary, and if everyone sits back and waits for someone else to come alongside them to be their friend, it will be a building of very lonely people.  God didn't create us to be that way. He created the church to be a family, one body of believers, supporting each other, loving each other, helping each other through the hard times. (1 Corinthians 12:12-27) If you are having any problems connecting or finding ministries to get involved with, as always, we encourage you to pick up a Life Group Guide or email lifegroups@toledocalvary.org. By getting involved in a Life Group, by volunteering in a ministry, and supporting the church as an active part of the body, you will fulfill one of God's purposes for your life. As you get involved, you may find you have a very large family indeed, grateful to have you as a part of them, and ready to support you as you walk through life’s challenges and joys. However, in the end, it really is up to you to take that first step in becoming part of a church body rather than continuing to be alone.

Respecting the In-laws: Child Dedication vs. Baptism

Question: My wife and my family are different denominations and are pressuring us to do a child baptism instead of a dedication. What's a good way to handle our parents with respecting their beliefs?

Answer: Unfortunately, instead of avoiding confrontation, you will have to have the hard conversation. First, you want to make sure you enter this discussion prepared, especially when dealing with different beliefs. You will need to decide why you are choosing dedication over baptism, and be honest with your parents about your reasons. Fortunately, as a dual denomination family, focus on what you have in common: God's Word. Use it as a resource to discuss both sides of the argument to come to the most God-honoring decision. Don't base your decisions on tradition, denominational preference or practice, or anyone else's opinion feelings. Instead, base it on God and what He would want for you and your family, and to do that you go to the Bible.

Before you even have the hard conversation with your parents, make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. You need to make the decision together as a couple, with no outside parties pressuring you into a decision. While it's wise to take godly counsel, it is up to the both of you to make the best, God-honoring decision possible for your family. Having a united front will help strengthen you and your wife, while giving you resolve, as you take on the responsibility of leading your family and confronting your parents.

As you and your spouse pray and seek God's Word, it may also help if I explain why Calvary performs infant dedications instead of infant baptisms. While many denominations believe in infant baptisms, and even believe that this ordinance saves an infant, this simply is not in the Bible. The Bible says that to be saved one must confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe your heart that God raised him from the dead. Baptism, according to scripture, is not an act that saves any one (no matter what age the person is at the time the baptism takes place). Instead, it is your belief & confession of Christ as Savior alone that saves you. (Romans 10:9-11) Salvation comes from a personal commitment to Jesus Christ, understanding that He and He alone died for that person’s sins, and that through Him alone, abundant life on earth and eternal life in heaven is found. How can an infant who barely can speak or comprehend the world around him/her confess or believe? During this stage of development, an infant cannot. However, that doesn't mean that your baby is condemned until he or she can confess. Children have a very special place in God's heart. (Matthew 19:14)  At Calvary, we believe that a child, although born with original sin, is innocent of intentionally sinning. Once the conscience is formed and he or she reaches the moral age of accountability, then, this child will become responsible for his or her sins and will need salvation.

It is only after salvation that Christians are encouraged to be baptized. Baptism is an act of obedience to God, which shows the world that this person is making a public confession of the personal commitment and that he/she has consciously accepted Jesus Christ as his/her Savior. As the saved individuals are immersed under the water, this symbolizes that our sins and old self have died, and then, when we come up from the water, we are  new persons--born again-- new creatures in Jesus Christ. Baptism is our commitment to the world that we understand what salvation means, and we will continue to follow Christ and His ways for the rest of our lives. Jesus set the example by being baptized as an adult, demonstrating what Baptism means for His followers (Matthew 3:11-17; Matthew 28:18-20; Mark 16:16, Acts 10:47-48, Romans 6:4). Nonetheless, there is no record of infant baptism anywhere in the Bible. Scriptures show that baptism follows salvation, by believing in Jesus, and not the other way around.

Instead of infant baptism, Calvary follows the biblical example of dedication. Child dedication also does not save your child, and actually has very little meaning for the child at the time. Rather, the Dedication is for the parents. Parents are making a public commitment to the church and to God that they will raise their child in a godly home, according to Biblical principles. They will set a godly example, nurture their child in the ways of the Lord, and hopefully lead their child to Christ someday. The parents are symbolically giving the child back to the Lord, realizing that he/she is a gift that He gave them. They are entrusting the child’s spiritual upbringing to God, just as in the Bible. For example, in the Old Testament, Abraham dedicated Isaac in Genesis 21 & 22, and Hannah dedicated Samuel to God in 1 Samuel 1:11-28. Yes, even back then, these parents knew that their children belonged to God and would raise them accordingly. Joseph and Mary even dedicated Jesus in the New Testament, having brought him to the temple and presented him to the Lord in Luke 2:21-24. As your child grows up in a godly home, you can remind him or her of the Dedication and how important he or she is to God and to you. Hopefully, one day, the child will realize that he or she also needs God, and will make the decision to follow Him and be baptized sometime afterwards.

As you come together as a couple and as parents, you must ask yourselves why are you dedicating or baptizing your child. Is it because you want to raise your child in a godly home? Or is it for salvation or church membership? Both of which are the child's decision to make and not your own; no matter how much you may want to guarantee his or her spiritual wellbeing. In the end, we are all held accountable for our own decisions, even our children. After you and your spouse have reached an agreement and are adequately prepared, you will need to discuss it with your parents. Once again, try to approach them with humility, using the Word of God as reference. Perhaps, they will be open and receptive as you discuss the differences between baptism and dedication.  Unfortunately, you may also find that sometimes respecting your own personal beliefs will make your parents unhappy. While you may respect your parents’ belief systems, you will want to be careful that no matter what, you don't sacrifice your beliefs or make any decision that you will regret in the future. This is your family--you, your wife, your children--and your  responsibility is to make sure your household is following God's Word. Whatever decision you make, we at Calvary Church understand that even if you feel you are doing the right thing, it can be difficult when dealing with extended family. During this time, we, your church family, will definitely keep you and your family in prayer. We pray that God will lead you with the words to say, the strength of resolution, and the wisdom to make the right decision in all areas regarding your family.

The Birds and The Bees

Question: When is a good age to discuss the topic of sex with your children, and what are some godly resources to help?

Answer: Start teaching sexuality early on. You begin gradually when they are young, discussing the beauty of our bodies, their sacredness, discussing privacy, safety, God's creative work, etc. After all, since God created our bodies, whatever we do should honor Him, which includes taking care of our bodies the way He would want us to. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

 As your children mature, details can gradually be shared and added. Teaching a child about sex should be as natural as teaching anything else. If you open lines of communication at an early age, it will be less awkward for both of you when you finally have the "talk." The Wonderful Way Babies are Made, written by Larry Christenson, is a great resource for varying ages. The book is divided to accommodate both younger and older kids, with rhymes and pictures for the younger ones, and details and explanations for the older children. I also recommend any of the books written by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo, for example, Let The Children Come Series or  Growing Kids God's Way. The Ezzo's compare the beauty of sexuality to a flower, teaching the various flower parts to younger kids. In this series, they encourage you to teach your children about sex with marriage in mind, presenting a flower to daughters on their wedding day as a reminder of what they have cherished and saved for their husbands.

Finally, I want to remind you that children are learning about sex earlier and earlier in life, especially in public schools. After all, sex has become part of our mainstream culture. It's in our media, on our billboards, on our radios, and yes, even in our education system. By starting young, we hope that your children will be encouraged to come to you with questions instead of their peers, who often, though not intentionally, lead them astray. By putting it off too long, you may find that your children know more about it than you realize; and their knowledge may not be accurate or Biblical. The key to this, as well as any parenting, is to really know your children through communication. Then, hopefully the big talk won't be so big. It will just be another conversation; one many of you have already shared with your children.

Walking the Line

Question: Where is the line between sheltering your child & educating them on the evils of the world?

Answer: The line between sheltering and teaching depends on the age and maturity of the child. Some children are more sensitive than others and should be exposed more gradually to the truth of the world. However, whether we like it or not,  wise parents must keep in mind that children will also be exposed to worldly things at school and at church. In the meantime, try to always keep the lines  of communication open, so your child feels comfortable coming to you and asking about what they encounter or don't understand in the world. No matter the age, use every opportunity and every question your child has to teach them biblical principles. As the child matures, he or she will be exposed to more and more, so never stop teaching about good and evil.  

There are always two extremes to avoid: allowing too much exposure too soon, and the opposite extreme of keeping a child in a bubble. Evil exists in the world, and kids need to learn that truth early on. However, that doesn't mean that your child will be ready to handle all the details of evil at the time. Wait until the child is older, and teach them the details of evil when the child is mature enough to handle it.  The Bible warns that there are things that we should not even talk about, and even mature adults should not dwell on those things (Ephesians 5:11-13).  Through wisdom, prayer, discernment, seeking God's Word, knowledge of one's own children and their personality types, and godly counsel from others more spiritually mature, all of these can help a parent to gauge when to say what and when not to. 

Poor Choices & a Parent's Prerogative

Question: What do you do if you've raised your child in the fear and admonition of the Lord and they choose to make poor choices as a young adult?

 

Answer: There  is nothing more heart wrenching for a parent  than to see them making poor choices and feeling helpless to do anything about it. Even worse, when you come to the realization that one or more of your adult children are not serving the Lord.  I think it is most important to understand that as parents, we only need to take responsibility for our own mistakes and failures but not the mistakes and failures of our children. There will never be a perfect parent. We, in our humanity will make mistakes, and hopefully, we will learn from them. We also need to understand that it is not our responsibility to save our children. God saves, not us. Instead, we should do our best to be a godly example to them and to raise our children in the ways of the Lord. The rest is up to our children and the Holy Spirit. 

Through lots of prayer, trusting in God's Word, and encouragement from other godly parents will help us to grow in Christ and be a better parent, even if our children are already adults.  If you are able to share your heartfelt concerns with your kids, do so in love and gentleness, letting them know you are not trying to control them but just trying to be a parent to them. If your adult children are un-teachable and will not listen to your counsel, then be as gracious as you can and continue loving, being there, and above all, praying for them consistently.  The effective prayer of a righteous man (or woman) avails much, so never give up on them. Only God knows what it will take to bring them to Him, so entrust them to God daily and allow the Holy Spirit to use your kids to help you grow to become more like Christ.  (Romans 8:28-29. )

If your adult children are living at home, stick to any house rules you have set. You will not want to enable sinful behavior by making it easy for them to sin in your presence. Instead, your love for them and the love of Christ will transcend all things; your faith in God will keep you strong and give you courage as you wait on the Lord to complete His work in your child's life.

Doggy-Dog Day

Question: Sometimes I like my dog better than my kids. Is something wrong with me?

 
Answer: Sometimes your dog is better behaved than your kids, and sometimes he piddles on the carpet, chews up your favorite shoes, and barks at 3am for no reason at all. Hopefully, for your sake, your children do not. Let's face it, you are human, and your children are human too. Every person can be trying at times. The important thing is that this is only a transient feeling, that you realize that your children are a gift from God, and their lives are much more precious than any pet could ever be.

Some of the most rewarding moments in parenting is when a child learns to love Jesus, learns how to do the right thing, and learns how to truly love and appreciate others. A pet could never learn how to do these things. Also, in all the crazy stress of raising a family, make sure you daily spend time with your kids to really enjoy them as the little people they are. Praise God each day for them, and turn to God's Word for encouragement and insight on how to raise them and how to relate to them. If you are a stay at home parent, make sure you get out of the house every now and then to socialize with other adults. We recommend getting involved in a Bible study or a Connect Group, where you can get to know other peers and encourage one another. If you have younger children, MOPS or a young family connect group would be a great place to start. If you are experiencing the joys of adolescent children, we would love to help you find a group that's right for you. Just contact, Pat, our Connect Group Coordinator, at lifegroups@toledocalvary.org, or you can pick up a Life Group Guide at one of our information kiosks.

In the end, don't forget, it is completely natural to experience some frustration with parenting, but refocus your thinking frequently on the lessons they bring to your life, rather than dwelling on the difficulties.  Philippians 4:8-13  Also, whenever it starts getting tough, and you're liking Fido's company more, just remember it could be worse. At least, your kids aren't chewing on your shoes.

Stubborn & Aggravating

Question: My youngest child is the most aggravating and stubborn child, but when she talks about Jesus, it's like a light goes on, and she is a new child. Is there anything you could suggest to further nurture this love and trust in Jesus?

Answer: I think that this child is offering the parents great opportunities to be taught about Jesus, how He desires this child to behave, and how He can even help this child to be good.  

The parents can easily teach this little one about what a gift she is to them and how, even at her young age, she is able to bring happiness to Jesus, which in turn brings joy to her parents.  The parents can use this child's misbehavior as a lesson on forgiveness. The parents can teach the basics about sin and the consequences (penalties and discipline), and how Jesus can help her to obey and please Him. 

 It is ok for parents to talk about how Jesus forgives them (the parents) when they are bad (sin) and that He can do the same for the child.   Disciplining a child for her aggravating ways without using these precious moments to teach about Jesus and His love, causes both parent and child to miss out on so much!!!!  Shepherding a Child's Heart, written by Tedd Tripp, is an awesome resource, and we recommend this book to all parents. However, what the child needs more than anything is time spent by the parent in prayer and teaching lessons at her level.    

Do not neglect to start and close each day in prayer with and for the child. Prayer, especially during the discipline process, is key. Discipline with love and reproof are great teachers. Finally, remember to lead by setting an example of how to have a healthy relationship with God and others, and not to forget that we too are flawed. After all, God is our heavenly Father; He has forgiven us of our sin through Jesus Christ, and He has the patience and love to discipline us when we are also being our most aggravating and stubborn.

Appreciating the Little Things

Question: How do you raise your daughter or son to appreciate the little things?

Answer: Children appreciate the little things when they are raised knowing that they are NOT entitled to anything but food, shelter, and clothes. Also, this does not mean that they have to have the best of the best or top brands all the time. Everything received should be taught as a blessing, as a gift from God, not a need. Teaching the difference between needs and wants is important. Children should also learn about helping and how to contribute to the household by doing chores, earning money, managing money, tithing, etc. These things are all vital. Parents need not give them everything they want all the time. Rather, children need to learn to give to the needy, serve others, be thankful to others, and give thanks to God. It is a known fact that kids who grow up knowing that they do not have a free ride in life, and instead have helped to pay for the car they drive, their schooling, or their new clothes will appreciate them more. God loves a cheerful giver....and as they give to God, give to others, and give to their households they will be blessed and happier for it!!!

HOME SWEET HOME- The Beginning

     Whether it be at home, school, work or the grocery store, people are everywhere. Our relationships can be some of the most meaningful as well as the most frustrating things in our lives. For four weeks, Pastor Chad preached Home Sweet Home, a sermon series based on Colossians 3, to see what God says about making our homes a place where life can be sweet. On the 5th week, Calvary Church featured a special guest panel to answer any questions you sent in via text, twitter, or Facebook. We were so flooded with questions that we didn't have time to answer all of them. The pastoral staff wanted to thank everyone for participating and created this forum in hopes of answering the unanswered questions. If you would like to submit a question about this sermon series or any future sermon series, please feel free to email mail@toledocalvary.org or message us at our Facebook account, and let us know if it's for the blog. In the meantime, we welcome you to read, comment, and pass it on.

~The Pastoral Staff at Calvary Church