Unequally Yoked 3: Lifetime Sentence

Over ten years ago, one of my best friends decided to marry a non-Christian. It was a whirlwind relationship, lasting only a few weeks, and she was definitely seeing stars instead of reality. He grew up in a religious home, where he went to church occasionally as a child.  I warned her against marrying him and reminded her that even though his family was religious, his religion did not line up with the Word of God. She told me that she believed God told her to be with him regardless, so that she could be a good witness and hopefully lead him to Christ. I privately knew she was wrong. While it’s very good to be a witness to your non-Christian friends, it's another thing entirely to marry one of them. After all, God specifically said not to be unequally yoked in 2 Corinthians 6:14-16, and God never contradicts His Word. (As a side note, if you ever think that God is telling you to do something, and it is direct violation of what the Bible says, it is not God speaking to you. It is your feelings speaking to you, and your mind trying to rationalize away the difference.) Fast-forward ten years to the present.  My friend is still married because as a Christian she knows marriage is a lifetime commitment, but her marriage is under constant strain and discord. Not only were they unequally yoked in religion, but they were also unequally yoked in every aspect of their relationship. (See previous blog posts about being unequally yoked.) My friend’s impetuous nature had tied her to an unhappy marriage of extreme opposites. Sometimes though, it is not the Christian’s fault. He or she unintentionally ends up being unequally yoked because the person receives Christ after marriage, while his or her spouse does not.  Adding to difficulty, the non-Christian may resent the Christian spouse for the sudden change. All the while, the Christian spouse is torn between loyalties on how to please both Christ and his or her spouse, especially when doing one might mean displeasing the other. Being unequally yoked has been a problem since the early days of Christianity. Fortunately, for cases such as these, Paul gives us detailed instructions in 1 Corinthians 7.     
       
First, the Bible says to remain married. Being unequally yoked is not a reason to divorce, despite the hardship (1 Corinthians 7:10-13). Second, you are called to be an example of Christ in your home. Anything you do or say will reflect upon Jesus. If you let your flesh, temper, or fears guide you, then why would your unbelieving spouse want to believe? Let the change that God has done in you and is continually doing be reflected through your actions (1 Corinthians 7:14-16). Third and finally, God has called you to this place and to this marriage. In the Message translation of the Bible, it says in 1 Corinthians 7:17, "Don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life." There is a divine calling placed on your life to be the best Christian spouse you can be. Even when it's hard being in an unequally yoked marriage, just remember that God believes in you and the example you set, and someday it may inspire your unbelieving spouse to turn to Him.

In the meantime, follow God’s instruction on how to be a good spouse. A Christian husband should love his wife unconditionally, even when it means putting to death his ego and tempers. A Christian wife should respect her husband and submit herself to him (Ephesians 5:22-33). While submission seems to have a nasty, abusive connotation nowadays, it really means to humble your desires and consider his feelings above your own. You place yourself under your husband’s godly authority, choosing to believe in him instead of putting him down. It’s the same sacrificial love that a husband should give his wife, just displayed differently. The Christian husband should be gentle and understanding in his approach, so his wife does not get discouraged. While the Christian wife should be honoring, so the husband knows she is his ally who will stand by his side. Remember, it is your character that matters, who you are on the inside, and how you treat each other that will last (1 Peter 3:1-7).  As a Christian spouse, it is also your responsibility to sexually satisfy your husband or wife and not deny him/her (1 Corinthians 7:1-5).  And daily cover yourself with the Word of God and prayer, so you can recognize and concede to God’s guidance.  To sum up all these things, commit this passage from Colossians 3:12-14 to heart as a reminder to yourself of how God wants us to treat one another. 

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

The challenge God has allowed in your life of being unequally yoked will be a difficult one of endurance, patience, and love.  It will probably be the hardest, but most rewarding, burden to bear for His name, for great will be your joy when your spouse realizes his or her need for Jesus. However, this won’t occur from your nagging or ridicule, but can only come from a place of prayer, seeking God’s Word, being a Christian example, and displaying honest love. Yes, just as it was for you, salvation can only come from and through Jesus. Just as surely as someone else was interceding on your behalf, praying for you to be saved, and even if you were unaware, great was their joy when you received Christ. Take heart, it is now your turn to do the same. 

After years of frustrations, sometimes my friend calls me, throwing up her hands in frustration. "I have done everything I can do. It's hopeless. I don't know what else to do but leave him." I say the same to you as I say to her, from the same place of love and understanding. Do not say you have done everything you can do, if you haven't really done everything you can do. If you are doing what is right, if you are being the spouse God wants you to be, continue doing what is right and then, do it over and over again. The moment you throw up your arms in surrender is the moment that you haven't tried everything. Take a moment to think about what God wants you to do next. Perhaps, it is something you haven’t even thought to try yet, or it’s something that you’ve stopped doing, or maybe it’s something you need to keep continuing to do because it’s working, and it’s just your impatience that hinders the progress. When you are tired, as we all are sometimes, and find yourself at the end of your rope, don’t be afraid to seek Biblical counsel. You are not alone but a part of the body of Christ, and we care for you. Seek out a reliable Christian mentor, or even marital counseling from Calvary’s pastoral staff, and share your burden. There is help and hope for you even in the most difficult of times. Just remember, that even when man (or woman) fails you, God will be with you for every step of this burden that He has allowed you to bear. He promises to be your comfort and guide as you press forward diligently. (1 Peter 5:6-7; Philippians 3:13-14)

Unequally Yoked 2: Beyond Belief

It's a tale as old as time. Girl feels lonely and feels like something is wrong with her for being alone. Girl dates guy who isn't right for her. Girl marries guy, trying to fulfill the Disney-esque fantasy of finding the "one." Girl is miserable. This situation is oftentimes reversed too. Guy marries girl who isn’t right for him, and it is still the same outcome, still just as miserable. Too often, people run headlong into love, romance, and marriage without really considering if it's truly the best thing to do. As Pastor Bill says, it is better to be miserable and single than to be miserable and married.  During the early stages of dating and even before marriage is ever considered, it’s important to stop and take a moment and really think about your relationship. Put aside the fuzzy feelings and hormones and ask yourself if you are right for each other or if you are unequally yoked.

           

Being unequally yoked goes beyond two people saying the sinner’s prayer. It goes beyond saying you are both Christians. While being a Christian should be the first and foremost requirement when finding someone to date or marry (see previous blog post), it should not be the only thing you consider before marrying. Before committing yourself to marry someone who isn’t right for you, consider whether you will be equally yoked beyond religious beliefs.

First, when you decide to marry someone, you want to make sure that he or she is the same “type” of Christian as you. Here’s what I mean: there is a difference between people who say they are Christians and people who are actually Christians. In Matthew 7:15-23, Jesus mentions this type of people and calls them “false disciples.” He said that we can distinguish between true Christians and the false disciples by their “fruit.”  “Fruit” is symbolic of the growth Christians can only hope to achieve when they remain planted in God; it’s the active obedience and love for His commands (John 15:1-17).  If unsure, a Christian only needs to turn to God’s Word for examples of fruit and a true Christian walk (Galatians 5:21-26). Is your significant other indulging his or her fleshly nature (personal desires), or is he or she putting God and His commands first? Does he or she display kindness, joy, peace, love, patience, a conviction for holiness, as well as other fruit of the Spirit?

 

 Pastor Doug Clay, a previous pastor of Calvary, said in a sermon once that there are 4 types of Christians to be mindful of. There is the Cultural Christian, Casual Christian, Carnal Christian, and Committed Christian. A Cultural Christian is someone who professes Christ as his Savior and Lord but has no growing relationship with Him. The Cultural Christian doesn’t bear fruit because he or she isn’t really committed to Jesus or following God’s ways. So, while Cultural Christians may profess Jesus and identify with being part of the Kingdom of God, when tested they will fall away. As described in James 2:14-26, these people often display faith, but no deeds. Cultural Christians are like the seeds that fall on rocky places in Jesus’ parable of the sower (Mark 4:1-20). They immediately accept God’s Word with joy, but without the commitment to Jesus and practicing Christian disciplines, the seed of God’s Word quickly dies away (Mark 4:16-17).

Like the Cultural Christian, the Casual Christian also accepts and professes Christ as Savior. However, Casual Christians don’t give Jesus every area in their lives. Thinking their way is best, this type of Christian misses out on the potential joy, peace, and restoration that can only come from having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  Instead of surrendering to Jesus, being a Christian to them means maintaining a religious duty, like a moral checklist of what not to do. These are Christians who are willing to show and perform deeds without investing in their faith. While they follow all of the commands and even regularly attend church services, it’s an obligation. Without the joy or depth of a relationship with Jesus, they lack grace and compassion for others. Like the seed that falls on thorny ground, the seed of God’s Word gets choked out of them because when they can no longer handle life’s stresses, they turn to themselves for a solution instead of God. By refusing a personal relationship with Him, it becomes their personal downfall (Mark 4:18-19).

The Carnal Christian displays neither faith nor deeds. The Carnal Christian is Christian in name only, like a generational label passed onto them from their family. They only follow their fleshly impulses. They do what they want. Their actions and decisions have little to do with biblical values or God’s Word. Instead, they base their decisions on their own feelings and opinions. The most important thing to them is “themselves,” and it doesn’t matter if what they desire is in direct violation of God’s Word. In the parable of the sower, the Carnal Christian is like the seed that was trampled on the path (Mark 4:15). The hope of God could never take root because the Carnal Christian is too hard-hearted.

 Finally, the Committed Christian desires to live according to God’s standards. There is joy in both faith and deeds because there is a personal relationship with Jesus and a desire to grow. The Committed Christian seeks God and His Word for his/her strength. Like the seed that falls on good soil, the Committed Christian takes God’s Word to heart and multiplies it and allows it to continuously grow (Mark 4:20).  All this is to say, if you are Committed Christian and you have an active, growing relationship with God, then no other type of Christian but another Committed Christian is right for you. In addition, any other type of Christian will be unequally yoked with you. While it may not seem like such a difference while you are dating, it will affect you when you are married. Without the support of a personal relationship with Jesus or the commitment to God’s Word, you and your spouse will not be in unison when there are future decisions to be made, when stress and strife come your way, when you are deciding on how to raise children or managing finances.  Being unequally yoked will create turmoil, heartbreak, and dissension in your home. For your sake and the sake of your future family, do not settle for less than God’s best for you, or you will come to regret it someday if you choose a “Christian”, who really isn’t a Christian at all.

Being unequally yoked extends beyond religious beliefs, but also includes the differences in personality traits, backgrounds, convictions, and priorities. Consider what’s really important to you now. If you ever think, this person would be perfect if only “this or that”” would change, there’s a potential red flag. Don’t ignore red flags and hope they will eventually fix themselves. Red flags are there for a reason. Sometimes, the Holy Spirit is warning you to not get too attached. Seriously consider your “deal breakers.” What can you not live with? After all, what’s an annoyance now will be unbearable after marriage. Come to terms with the knowledge that the other person will not change no matter what you do. After all, you expect him or her to accept you as you are with all your flaws and failures. You should extend the same courtesy toward your potential mate when you have marriage in mind. Are you willing to accept the flaws of your significant other, give up your opinion for his or her own, and refuse to nag them about it in the future? If this is a problem for you and there are differences you can’t overcome, or if there is unrepentant sin present in his/her life, it is time to pull back on the reigns and slow down the relationship and really think about whether  it’s the right relationship for you.

         

Despite any pressure you feel, it’s okay to take a break. It is better to take your time than regret hastiness some day in the future, so really think, pray, and seek God’s Word to see how your potential spouse lines up. Whether it is out of fear of hurting your significant other’s feelings or because you want to avoid conflict, if you do not take the time to assess your relationship early on, you risk greater damage done to both you and your relationship. Make sure you also communicate with your boyfriend/girlfriend, so you can understand the concerns he/she has about you. Also, take time to assess how important this person is in your life. You should never place him or her on pedestal above God. Whenever you place others above God, the disappointment will only be that much greater when they stumble and fail.

 Also, when you take the time to assess, understand what your personal priorities are and how they compare to your potential mate’s. Consider the other person’s background. Would you be willing to accept his or her family as your own? What kind of upbringing did your potential spouse have, and how will that affect his or her future parenting? Does he or she even want children? Does he/she have a healthy relationship with his/ her parent of the opposite sex? After all, how your spouse treats his or her opposite-sex parent is a good indicator of how he or she will treat you. Consider any cultural differences that might conflict between families. Also, consider his or her personality traits and priorities. How is personal health and well being handled? Is he or she a health nut vs. junk food addict; couch potatoes vs. 5K marathoners? How does he or she handle personal finances? Does he or she plan for the future with long term financial goals? Consider cleanliness & hygiene. Some people are more avid bathers and tidier housekeepers than others are. Consider temperament and how both of you handle arguments/conflict as well as how you communicate love to each other. Even consider how much education they’ve had or intellect they possess. After awhile, this all may seem like nitpicking, but in actuality, knowing these things in advance prepares you for the future. While it may be said that opposites attract, the truth is the less you have in common with your future spouse, the more you will have to overcome in order to have a happy, healthy relationship. If a miser marries a shopaholic, or a neat freak marries a slob, there will be unavoidable conflict. If you don’t have a plan for how you deal with this conflict, you might find yourself unprepared and overwhelmed when facing it during marriage. Once again, expect that your significant other will never change. Could you learn to accept that part of this person that annoys you now? If not, then perhaps you are in the wrong relationship. Perhaps, you are unequally yoked.

It is important to recognize that you do not need to find someone who shares all the same traits and hobbies as you. There is a difference between conflicting and complementing traits. Conflicting traits will war against each other every time. When two people are unable to understand each other’s point-of-view and are unable to change, these opposite traits can do nothing else but create conflict. For example, a slob may not be able to become a “neat freak” no matter how much he or she wants to, and their slovenly ways will only exasperate his/her tidier spouse.  Complementing traits are also opposite traits; however, the difference is when one person recognizes his or her weakness and decides to allow the other person to help, since for him/her it is an area of strength. However, when a person does not recognize an area as a weakness, even if you beg to differ, you cannot force him/her as this is a conflicting trait and will probably not change no matter how much you argue about it. (Also, there is a difference in conflicting traits and sin. Sin is always wrong. Conflicting traits is just a difference of opinion or preference.) A good example of complementing traits is when a person is weak in an area, such as managing the checkbook, and decides to hand over the day-to-day finances to the spouse. Unfortunately, the more opposite traits you and your potential spouse possess, the more difficult it will be to overcome the conflicting differences. For some people, it is better to end the dating relationship early on than force it to endure. Because once you are married, you will have no other choice but to endure and constantly work to overcome and forgive these differences.

 It is also important to recognize both the weaknesses and strengths in your partner as well as the weaknesses and strengths in yourself. What are your weaknesses, and could your partner accept you if you never change? In addition, are you the right person for him or her? Is he or she a better or worse person by being with you? Before you can discern whether you are in an unequally yoked relationship, you must first be honest with yourself about who God created you to be.    

In conclusion, love is more than society’s definition of fuzzy feelings, hormones, or shared affection, which all comes and goes. True love is the action of choosing to place your needs aside and the other person’s welfare above yourself. True love is sacrificial. If you or your potential spouse is unwilling to do that, then you are in the wrong relationship. While it may difficult or painful to end it, it will be much worse and much more painful if you put it off and end up unequally yoked in marriage. One day, when your relationship faces hardship and the feelings fade, what will support your relationship through the hard times? If you based your relationship on the truths of God’s Word, a mutual relationship with Jesus, and a true friendship with each other, it will be able to stand the test of time. If it is not based on these things, in the end, you have only yourself to blame. Please take the time to stop, think, and pray and consider all these things before you end up in relationship that is less than what God wants for you. 

Unequally Yoked: A Difference in Belief

Question: Is it ok to date a non-Christian person?

Question: What are your views on Christian dating and possibly marrying an atheist?

The best way to answer these questions is with scripture. No matter what I may say or how you feel, if God's Word says it's wrong--it's wrong. In 2 Corinthians 6:14 (NIV), it says " Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?" (Often times, when you want to get a better understanding of a scripture passage, I recommend looking up other translations/versions.) I think the Message translation explains this best.

2 Corinthians 6:14-16 (The Message)

Don’t become partners with those who reject God. How can you make a partnership out of right and wrong? That’s not partnership; that’s war. Is light best friends with dark? Does Christ go strolling with the Devil? Do trust and mistrust hold hands? Who would think of setting up pagan idols in God’s holy Temple? But that is exactly what we are, each of us a temple in whom God lives.

"Yoke" may seem like an irrelevant or outdated term today, but back then a yoke was commonly used to pair animals together to plow a field. If you had a large animal with a smaller one, or a faster one with a slower one, then one of the animals will be doing the majority of the work, while the other would struggle to keep up. Being equally yoked meant that both animals were working together, pulling the same weight, without additional stress to either one of them. In life, there is no greater partnership, no greater yoking, than that of marriage. "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."  Genesis 2:24 

As Christians, we are to pursue God and His ways, always striving forward toward heavenly things. (Philippians 3:13-14) However, non-Christians do not pursue godly things but rather worldly things. For example, they may pursue a career, money, pleasure, or personal desires. Going back to the yoke analogy, if one animal is pulling right and the other one is pulling left, what will happen? Constant fighting, going nowhere, and nothing getting accomplished. If you aren't both striving toward the same goal, your relationship cannot grow or be healthy. If the animal pulling to the left is stronger, then it might be able to force the other animal to go left as well, but it will not make either animal happy or productive. When forced, both animals will still be miserable. Often than not, when it comes to Christians and non-Christians, it is the Christian that oftentimes gets pulled off course. Unfortunately, it is easier for us to lose our way and succumb to temptation than for others to change their ways and turn to Jesus. (Matthew 7:13-14) Even without the extra pull, we need to be vigilant in our faith, which means it will be especially difficult when someone is working actively against you.

While the passage in 2 Corinthians may seem harsh when it speaks against partnering with non-believers, it's important to remember that God loves non-Christians and atheists and everyone alike. After all, "God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son."  John 3:16.  However, He also loves you and wants what is best for you too. The Bible is an instruction manual on how we are to live happy, healthy, and spiritually-rewarding lives. Whenever we choose an opposite way than what God's Word says, we turn away from his blessings in our life.  While we may be happy for a time, a lifetime of commitment to a non-Christian is a lifetime of commitment to strife, hardship, and working against one another. It simply is not wise and will be counter-productive to what God wants to do in your life.

Perhaps you reason that as long as you don't marry a non-Christian, you have the freedom to date them.  Ask yourself, "Why are you dating? What is your purpose? And is that purpose pleasing to God?" A relationship is also a yoke, albeit, a shorter commitment than marriage. You cannot achieve happiness or success in your faith, when your partner does not encourage you to keep God's ways. Even if non-Christians seem more charismatic, or nicer, or cooler, the Bible warns us to be cautious. In Proverbs 2-5, it says that those who do not follow God, but follow the world instead, are enticing and their "words drip with honey," but their ways lead to death. When you date someone, you promise the other person your heart: your emotions, feelings, and your spirit—the entities that make you, you. However, God says that you should guard it carefully, for from your heart comes everything you do and everything you are. (Proverbs 4:23) To give it away recklessly, for the sake of a relationship, is asking for it to be trampled upon and hurt. If you have no intention of giving your heart to them for safekeeping for life, why would you trust them for the short term? So, guard your heart, as God says, and protect it from pain by not putting it into a destructive relationship.

Finally, it is important to remember that our body, soul, mind, and heart do not belong to us. Once we become a Christian, everything belongs to God. Jesus and His Holy Spirit reside in us. (1 Corinthians 6:15-20) We should treat it with same respect. If you give your body to another before marriage, you defile and violate Christ. If you give your heart and mind away, you give away a piece of you that God wanted to keep safe for those that are worthy. Wherever you go and whatever you do, God is with you and lives inside of you. Non-Christians simply cannot understand this thinking. They believe that their bodies, minds, hearts, and souls belong to themselves alone. They can only see the truth once they truly know Jesus. They are blinded to the fact that they do not belong to themselves, but actually everything that they are belongs to the world, sin, and death.

    As Christians, God has asked us to be in the world, shining as examples of light, but not of the world. We should not conform to the world (Romans 12:2), but rather they should hate us (John 15:18-23), in fact, God says if we are friends to the world, we are an enemy of God (James 4:4). All this to say, it doesn't mean we shouldn't be friends to non-Christians, and it doesn't mean we should isolate ourselves in a Christian bubble. However, if non-believers love you and do not recognize that you stand for something different, then, it is a good time to re-evaluate your relationship with Jesus to see if you're truly living the way you should be.

Drained and Denying

Question: As a mom who is home with small children all day is pulled in multiple directions and completely drained by the end of the day, when it seems as though all of my energy goes to my children, how am I able to give anything to my husband at the end of the day? Intimacy comes last right now.

Being a stay-at-home mom with young children is a full time job, and many people do not understand how hard it truly is. Not just stay-at-home moms, but this blog post is for all moms, whom all should be applauded for the molding and shaping of their children. The time moms have at home with their children is vital for character and spiritual development.  It is easy for a young mom to get exhausted and believe that she has no time for her husband. Fortunately, there are ways to combat those feelings. Start by planning your day. Don't settle for being a victim to the comings and goings and random busyness of raising children. You are the one in charge of your time. Whether it's mentally setting aside time or actually writing it on a calendar, purposely plan your day. And don't forget to set aside at least an hour or two each day to give to your husband. Scheduling may not seem as romantic, but it's more important to keep your marriage healthy than to keep a transient, whimsical notion. Not only is spending time with your spouse good for you and your marriage, but it's also beneficial for your children as well. Dr. Gary and Ann Marie Ezzo, authors of Growing Kids God’s Way curriculum, state that when you set aside time for your spouse, children develop of better sense of security and peace. Seeing their mom and dad spending time alone on a regular basis confirms to children that in a tumultuous world their home is a safe, unchanging harbor of love. It is vital for young mothers to spend time with their husbands daily, but the question is, how to do it?

Young children consume a lot of time and energy from their mothers; however, to truly re-charge and regain strength, a wise mom makes the Lord her priority. Whether it is early in the morning before the kids wakeup or in the evening after they are put to bed, make sure you also schedule time to seek God and the Holy Spirit. Try discussing the possible options with your husband to see what time of the day works best with both of your schedules. Perhaps he can help relieve some of your duties by either making breakfast in the morning or doing the evening dishes and bedtime rituals at night.  Remember, don't let the children consume your life and energy. Take control of your life and your time. Only by seeking the Holy Spirit can you ever hope to truly refresh and re-energize your life. Whenever you feel like you are at the end of your rope, take time remember and repeat this verse. "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7

Often times, people think that “spending time with the Lord” has to be a lengthy or arduous process. It's just not so. Just as a young mom eats daily meals, she needs to consider her time with Jesus as a daily time of refreshment and solitude. A scripture passage, prayer, and listening to her Savior can take as little or as much time as she wants. The most important factor is that she is growing and gleaning from God’s precious Word.  It's only in His scriptures that she can find that the Lord promises strength when she puts her hope in Him (Isaiah 40:31). He promises wisdom when she asks of it (James 1:5). And He promises that when she follows His commands, it will go well with her and her children (Deuteronomy 4:40). It's important not to forget that He also teaches about marriage and how a wife is supposed to treat her spouse. In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, He discusses the importance of intimacy in marriage and how spouses are not to deprive each other. The only allowance is through mutual consent, so that they can fully devote themselves to prayer. This means intimacy is a priority regardless of “how you feel at the moment.” Fortunately, here are few ideas that will help a young mom gain the extra time and energy she needs, so that she can meet her husband’s needs as well.

It's important to remember that being a mom does not mean that she is solely responsible for the perfection of the entirety of the household. In other words, you should not be left alone to carry the weight of every aspect to keep the household running. While the husband should help around the house, it is also important to include the children. A child should help with chores daily, and according to his or her age and maturity level, a child should learn how to do something new every day. As a mom, you can make a game out of it and make it fun. Perfectionist moms must be careful not to expect children to do things in the exact same way as she would or allow herself to fret over it. In time, children will learn how to do things correctly as they grow. It is more important to teach them the concept of work and how to be a cheerful helper than it is for it to be perfect. After all, a three year old is not going to set the table like a seven year old and that is OK.

A wise mom will understand that it is not imperative to have the house perfectly clean every waking hour. Instead, she should understand that a “lived-in” house can still be a clean and orderly house. Husbands need to understand that as well. Messiness because of laziness is a completely different thing.  Laziness is a sin, but the inability to have a spotless house is not necessarily wrong. A little toy or clothing clutter is not as important as your sanity. In addition, when the child is napping, there is nothing wrong with the young mother napping occasionally as well. A woman needs to set her priorities. Good health and a sound mind are more important than a perfectly cleaned house.

Similarly, it cannot be over emphasized that young mothers need to take care of their bodies by eating healthy foods and getting exercise. Taking the kids for walks or bike rides are great ways to accomplish fun alternatives to exercise plans. Also, try to eat well-balanced meals with healthy snacks and minimize your consumption of pop or sweets.  High concentrations of sugars, caffeine, or "carbs" may cause a burst of energy at first, but it's only temporary, followed by a severe drop in blood sugar, leading to exhaustion during the day and sleeplessness at night.  Increasing vegetables and fruits, balancing protein consumption with lots of water throughout the day, can help increase energy and decrease grogginess. Talking to a nutritional expert or physician about needed dietary changes, vitamin supplements, or exercise benefits could also be beneficial.

Young mothers would also do well to periodically get together with friends with small children. You need socialization as much as your children do. Especially strive to have Christian fellowship. Not only do other Christians make us stronger people (Proverbs 27:17), but they can also help carry your "burdens" when you feel like you are at your wit's end (Galatians 6:2; Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). If you are looking for a place to connect, Calvary offers a variety of Connect Groups especially designed for young families. For example, Calvary's MOMS Connect Group specifically ministers to young mothers, including many play-date opportunities as well as toddler friendly events.

Most importantly, young parents must make sure that their homes are not child-centered but rather Christ-centered. A child's whims and desires are ever changing. If the parents' focus is always centered on their child's desires, then, of course, their energies will be drained away. Parents forget that their children are immature, and should they stoop to appease them, the parents only lower themselves to the children’s level of maturity and disregard their own. This behavior leads to emotionally driven parenting--a roller coaster of ups and downs--instead of a consistent, peaceful home life.  Instead of taking parenting cues from the children, turn to the word of God, and only then can the home can be brought into balance. When Christ is the center of the home, priorities can be easily set, and a mom can better manage the home without the overwhelming feeling of being out of control.  For more information about Christ-centered parenting, the following resources are recommended:  Growing Kids God’s Way by Gary and Ann Marie Ezzo, any of the Baby-wise, Toddler-wise, or Child-wise books by Gary Ezzo, Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp, Withhold Not Correction by Bruce Ray, and What the Bible says about Child Training by J. Richard Fugate.

The Over-Emotional Blame Game

Question: How can you help a family member who is always blaming him or herself? How can I help them in a godly way?

Self-Blame & over-emotionalism often times go hand in hand.  By addressing one, we should address the other, as both are negative behavioral responses to conflict.

The Reasons for Self-Blame & Overly Emotional Behavior

Mirroring- Overly emotional individuals and individuals who blame themselves for everything do so for a variety of reasons.  Oftentimes, people repeat patterns of behavior that are taught to them and consequently reinforced by people around them. For example, a daughter may mirror her mother's behavior. When a mother behaves in a certain way, she teaches her children to act the same way. (After all, as they say, actions speak louder than words. Make sure your actions and reactions reflect what you teach with your mouth.) Back to the example, if the mother tends to overreact in situations and become overly emotional, there is a good chance that the daughter will learn this pattern and react in the same extreme way. It's especially upsetting when two people both respond in an overly emotional way. They will feed into each other’s emotions, escalating the situation and making it worse.  (Blame is the exact same way.) A biblical example of mirroring can be found in Genesis. In Genesis 20, out of fear for his life, Abraham tries to deceive Abimelech by telling him that Sarah is his sister, rather than his wife. Consequently, when he was grown, Isaac (Abraham’s son) mirrored that same behavior of lying in Genesis 26 and told Abimelech that his wife, Rebekah, was actually his sister.  By his actions, Abraham taught Isaac that when afraid it was acceptable to lie, instead of trusting in God and doing what was right.

Self-blame may also be passed down to subsequent generations through mimicry. When the Bible tells us that a sin will be punished in a family until the third or fourth generation (Exodus 20:4-6, Deuteronomy 5:9), it is usually speaking of a pattern of behavior that is passed down and taught from generation to generation.  When sinful behavior is learned and practiced over and over again, of course future generations will carry the consequences of such behavior. In the same way, a child will follow in the footsteps of a self-blaming parent and will teach his or her own children to do the same. The behavior will continue until someone decides to no longer practice self-blaming, as it is not necessary or wise.

Repulsion- Another reason people behave the way they do is out of repulsion--an opposite, but equally negative response to poor behavior. Returning to the example, an overly emotional mother may instead repulse the daughter, who may then act the opposite extreme. This adult child, rather than mirroring the parent’s behavior, will try to detach herself from it. She will avoid showing any emotion whatsoever and possibly become cynical of other people's emotions as well. This is also not a healthy response. After all, God made us emotional beings, with the intent that we would learn how to manage our emotions and not allow them to control us. When we ignore our feelings, instead of learning to control them, they usually build with us until something regrettable happens. Notice in Genesis 4:1-15, the downward spiral of what happens when we allow emotions to rule us instead of welcoming God’s help in controlling them. Cain is a primary example of a man whose emotions and anger got out of control.

For a self-blamer, his or her self-blame may be the response to sinful parents, whom did not want to take personal responsibility. The parents blame the child for the consequences of their actions. After awhile, the child begins to blame him or herself as well, regardless if the situation has anything to do with them. These kinds of self-blamers decide to take it upon themselves to become a self appointed martyr no matter what problem is present at the time. They do not know how to deal with conflict and consequences biblically. In actuality, these individuals need to realize that they are not the cause of all problems and that others need to share in the responsibility as well. If they do not recognize this, these self-blamers will become victims of their own thinking and become easily swayed to another ungodly pattern…that is, self pity.

Manipulation- There is a third reason for over-emotional or self-blaming behavior. Sometimes, it’s a manipulative ploy by the person to get what they want, and usually what they want is the extra attention. Instead of being repulsed or mirroring, as in the example, the daughter reinforces the negative behavior by trying to appease her over-emotional mother. She bends to her parent’s every whim and do whatever it takes to avoid conflicts or emotional outbursts by the mom. This parent might actually find enjoyment in manipulating people, so that she can have whatever makes her happy. By appeasing manipulation, the daughter encourages and reinforces the manipulative behavior. It is the same for the self-blamer. The more a person blames him or herself, the more reaction is elicited from others who will try to make the victim feel better. These individuals notice that the more they self deprecate (tear themselves down), the more attention and sympathy they will get from others. This also is a very self-focused ploy and is very destructive of relationships. A person or family member must be very cautious that his or her reaction to a self-blamer doesn't enable and encourage behavior.

  All three of these patterns (mirroring, repulsion, manipulation/enabling) and are unbiblical, self-centered, and unhealthy. Regardless of the reason, individuals who constantly blame themselves for things are entirely self-focused, rather than God focused.  They have disdain for a world that they are not the center of. Unlike arrogant, self righteous people, who are also not God-centered, they are self focused in that they constantly tear themselves down and blame themselves for everyone’s woes. It becomes all about them, instead of “all about God.”

The Help for Self-Blame & Overly Emotional Behavior

Godly friends should speak the truth in love about this to them, with the hope of restoring them to a right relationship to God and others (Galatians 6:1-5). The difficult thing is that oftentimes this gives them one more thing to blame on themselves, pouring oil onto the proverbial fire. It is important to approach them lovingly, gently, and with sincerity, so as to point out the error of their ways. Show them that it is ridiculous for them to continue to practice self-blaming, but also that it is sin to be so self focused. God is in the forgiveness business and waiting for them to repent and to see things through new eyes. The friend who confronts them must do so wisely, without being enabling or feeding into their manipulation. Help them to understand how destructive this pattern of behavior is to relationships and to themselves, and yet, there is hope for them in Christ Jesus to receive forgiveness and blessing in the aftermath. The confronter ought to be matter of fact, without getting caught up in emotional drama, and help those who “self blame” to understand that we are all in the same boat. Although our sins may differ, we all sin and need forgiveness and redemption from the Lord. The confronter must also not give into the negative attention they are craving for, but instead to speak the truth in love and to help them to see that there is joy and blessing in breaking the cycle of self-centeredness and negativity. As with any sin that needs confronting, the Bible gives detailed instructions on how to approach someone lovingly, yet firmly, honestly, yet fearlessly (Ephesians 4:15).

A few points to remember when deciding to talk with someone are to first bathe yourself in prayer. Ask God to give you words, for you to be loving and gentle, and for the recipient to have an open heart. Then, because we are all sinners who need a Savior, we cannot judge one other for their sins, but instead, we can purpose to reflect on our own sins, pursuing forgiveness and redemption ourselves first (Luke 6:37-42). It is important to approach others with gentleness and meekness, yet not being weak willed in doing so (Galatians 6:1-16). Instead, be confident that what you are doing is right before the Lord. Your motivation should never be anything less than to help this person become restored and closer to Christ. Matthew 18:15 discusses the important of going to the person to speak with them on a one to one basis. It should be done in private so nobody will be embarrassed. The self blamer will then come to realize through the work of the Holy Spirit, and the kind loving words of you as his or her friend, that the only way to become truly free from this sinful pattern is through a dynamic relationship with their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  It is not as much about changing behavior, as it is about true heart change…and a heart that is Christ-focused is no longer self-focused.

Sometimes, however, self-blamers need biblical counseling.  This type of counseling would not encourage a high self esteem, but rather help them to focus on God and who they are in Christ. Self-blamers need to see themselves through God’s eyes, rather than the eyes of others or even their own eyes.  They need to understand what they are responsible for and what they are not and how to respond biblically to those who are blaming them unnecessarily. Instead of turning to people for reassurance, they ought to turn to God. Once they know who they truly are in Christ, as confident, strong, although flawed children of God, they will realize that God is by their side every step of the way. They will no longer need to blame themselves unnecessarily. They can learn to take responsibility for their own actions only, lean on the Lord to help them, and entrust their problems to Him. However, redemption, restoration, and living freely in Christ, all start with an honest conversation by those who love them. 

Banking Baby-Daddies

Question: Along with the sermon of Home Sweet Home, I was talking with friends and family about using a sperm banks to conceive a child as I am a single woman and want to have a child. Is this something that is acceptable or would it be considered playing God? Is there anything biblical that speaks about this issue?

According to the Scriptures, God’s plan for human conception is sexual union between a man and woman within the confines of a legal marriage covenant. (This is not to say that in-vitro conception for a married couple is outside of God's plans, but rather a couple should consider the ethical ramifications before making such an important decision.) Moreover, it is God’s desire that children be raised by both a father as well as a mother. Both roles are instrumental in the growth and development of a child. Unfortunately, in this day and age, with the breakup of many marriages, and the popularity of premarital sex, many individuals are placed in positions of single parenting, which, although very difficult, can be accomplished with the help, support, and nurturing of the local church and community of believers. Regardless of how a child is conceived, he or she is a gift from God and is very precious in His sight. Before deciding on taking this action, you should evaluate your surroundings and your motivations.

When you evaluate your surroundings, you should consider are they conducive to raising a child? Bringing or bearing a child into your home should not be done selfishly to only satisfy your personal needs. A child is a heavy responsibility, and his or her welfare should be placed above yours. Consider what it best for the child. Would bearing a child without spousal support for you be best for the child? Are there godly male influences that could be to help nurture the child and to be good male role models for the child? Or is this decision based solely on what you as a single woman feels would be fulfilling to you? Consider your occupation, your time allowances, your support system. Not to mention, when you go to a sperm bank there are there are financial costs to consider, health risks to you and the potential child, health history of donor, and ethical ramifications. This matter should never be done lightly without proper consideration. A lot of people don't have the opportunity to really consider all the implications and consequences before their pregnancy, but you do and you have a responsibility and privilege to do so.

But there is a greater question here that must be answered beforehand and that question is why? Why a sperm bank? Why now? Why steal this gift for yourself instead of waiting for God's blessing? Often times, the sin lies in the motivation, not necessarily the act. That is why we must look to God's Word for your answers.

Sometimes, as a single woman, the hardest thing is to trust in God and have patience while we wait on Him. It's especially hard when the biological clock is ticking down, and it seems at times that is all you can hear. You fear all your dreams of a family will never happen.  However, that very worry is a sin. When you worry, concerned that your ideal plan isn't happening the way you wanted or expected, you are saying to God that He doesn't know what He's doing. You're saying that you know the best plan for your life, and that He is wrong, and that you don't trust him to take care of you or to supply your needs. When you worry or doubt, you display an astounding amount of pride, haughtiness, and foolishness to think your way is better than God's way. We forget that we aren't supposed to understand all the time why things work out (or don't work out) because God's ways are far above our ways. They are beyond our human reasoning. (Isaiah 55:6-9) When you worry, you also accuse God of being a liar. When he has clearly promised to give you good things if you follow and trust him, but you lose patience and don't believe He will. "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? ...Seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom." (Luke 12:22-34)  Instead, we should take our worries about child-bearing, about finding someone, and all our stored-up dreams, and give them all to Him and not let it rule our minds and thinking. That's the only way to find peace and contentment in this life, by giving it all (our worries and anxieties and plans) to Him. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

It's not easy to trust. It rarely ever is, but God can do great things. He can do amazing, miraculous things. He can also use these hardships as a way to make you a better, stronger person, and He does all this out of love. He opened the barren womb of Sarah in Genesis. He provided a husband and a family to Ruth, even after she was widowed and seemed destined to be single for the rest of her days. He also healed a woman with a bleeding disease in Luke 8:40-48. God cares about women; He cares about you. Whenever you doubt His plan for you, remember that nothing is impossible with God and that He has interceded for both man and woman alike countless times in his Holy Word. You are not an exception to His love or His plan; instead, you're an exceptional part of it.

So, before you make any decisions, consider your motivations. Do not let selfishness, or pride, or worry steer your heart. If it seems maternal instincts are driving your desires instead of letting God control them, mentor children in need, babysit your friends' children, even get involved in Children's Ministries here at church. These instincts are oftentimes satisfied when you spend some time investing and nurturing other little ones. Use your passion and desire to make others better. Sometimes, by getting involved, it may be God's way of preparing you for the future. If you feel especially called to minister to children in your home and be a mother, there are many, many children in the foster system that would benefit from a healthy, godly home.  Why not adopt? Why not take in and care for this gift of God that was unfortunately discarded, either through accident or choice, by his or her parents? You can do a lot of good with your passion, as long as it's following God's will and not your own. Make your decision for the greater good, according to God's Word. Perhaps, in the end, there is another action you should take that is much more spiritually healthy and rewarding than taking matters into your own hands and visiting a sperm bank.

For more information about the official position by the Assemblies of God denomination on these issues as well as others, please visit www.ag.org/top/Beliefs/Position_Papers/index.cfm

Birth Control Conundrum

Question: Is it wrong to use birth control? 

Answer: To our knowledge, Scripture does not address the issue of birth control. According to God’s Word, only married heterosexual couples are to have sexual relations, so this topic is reserved to that group of people. Abstinence is the biblical command for those who are unmarried.  We, therefore, do not believe that using birth control is wrong, as long as the motives behind it are not selfish in nature. Most church leaders do not consider regulating the number of children or spacing them accordingly to be selfish. Still, while we may have the freedom to regulate, we shouldn't forget that one of God's greatest blessings is being able to have children. Over and over again in the Bible, when the Lord blessed His people, He encouraged them to "be fruitful." When we reject his blessings out of personal inconvenience, that is our selfishness. One of God's greatest honors and responsibilities He placed on parents is to raise their children to follow and serve God. If Christians do not have children and thus do not raise them in His ways, but the world has children and raises them in the ways of the world, what a disservice we place on our society. It is our responsibility to not only save the lost but bring up children of light as well. So, it is important to evaluate the reasons why or why not to use birth control when you are married. (However, for those who cannot bear children, that does not mean God has removed His blessings from you. It means He has a different purpose, a greater one, for you. Take heart, He knows your needs and sorrows and will provide new joys to you as well.)

    It is also important to note that any form of birth control that would cause the death of a fertilized egg and/or growing baby is definitely wrong and not endorsed by this church or by the Assemblies of God (Calvary Church's denomination).  The decision about what kind of birth control you should use, how it works, or whether or not you should use birth control at all can be made by you and your spouse with the help of your doctor. Remember, life begins at the moment of conception, and God has already formed a purpose and a plan for any unborn. (Psalm 139:13; Jeremiah 1:5) Consider together, as a couple, what actions you should take with much prayer, study of God’s Word, and research about what is available to you that is non-abortive before making this decision.