Drained and Denying

Question: As a mom who is home with small children all day is pulled in multiple directions and completely drained by the end of the day, when it seems as though all of my energy goes to my children, how am I able to give anything to my husband at the end of the day? Intimacy comes last right now.

Being a stay-at-home mom with young children is a full time job, and many people do not understand how hard it truly is. Not just stay-at-home moms, but this blog post is for all moms, whom all should be applauded for the molding and shaping of their children. The time moms have at home with their children is vital for character and spiritual development.  It is easy for a young mom to get exhausted and believe that she has no time for her husband. Fortunately, there are ways to combat those feelings. Start by planning your day. Don't settle for being a victim to the comings and goings and random busyness of raising children. You are the one in charge of your time. Whether it's mentally setting aside time or actually writing it on a calendar, purposely plan your day. And don't forget to set aside at least an hour or two each day to give to your husband. Scheduling may not seem as romantic, but it's more important to keep your marriage healthy than to keep a transient, whimsical notion. Not only is spending time with your spouse good for you and your marriage, but it's also beneficial for your children as well. Dr. Gary and Ann Marie Ezzo, authors of Growing Kids God’s Way curriculum, state that when you set aside time for your spouse, children develop of better sense of security and peace. Seeing their mom and dad spending time alone on a regular basis confirms to children that in a tumultuous world their home is a safe, unchanging harbor of love. It is vital for young mothers to spend time with their husbands daily, but the question is, how to do it?

Young children consume a lot of time and energy from their mothers; however, to truly re-charge and regain strength, a wise mom makes the Lord her priority. Whether it is early in the morning before the kids wakeup or in the evening after they are put to bed, make sure you also schedule time to seek God and the Holy Spirit. Try discussing the possible options with your husband to see what time of the day works best with both of your schedules. Perhaps he can help relieve some of your duties by either making breakfast in the morning or doing the evening dishes and bedtime rituals at night.  Remember, don't let the children consume your life and energy. Take control of your life and your time. Only by seeking the Holy Spirit can you ever hope to truly refresh and re-energize your life. Whenever you feel like you are at the end of your rope, take time remember and repeat this verse. "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7

Often times, people think that “spending time with the Lord” has to be a lengthy or arduous process. It's just not so. Just as a young mom eats daily meals, she needs to consider her time with Jesus as a daily time of refreshment and solitude. A scripture passage, prayer, and listening to her Savior can take as little or as much time as she wants. The most important factor is that she is growing and gleaning from God’s precious Word.  It's only in His scriptures that she can find that the Lord promises strength when she puts her hope in Him (Isaiah 40:31). He promises wisdom when she asks of it (James 1:5). And He promises that when she follows His commands, it will go well with her and her children (Deuteronomy 4:40). It's important not to forget that He also teaches about marriage and how a wife is supposed to treat her spouse. In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, He discusses the importance of intimacy in marriage and how spouses are not to deprive each other. The only allowance is through mutual consent, so that they can fully devote themselves to prayer. This means intimacy is a priority regardless of “how you feel at the moment.” Fortunately, here are few ideas that will help a young mom gain the extra time and energy she needs, so that she can meet her husband’s needs as well.

It's important to remember that being a mom does not mean that she is solely responsible for the perfection of the entirety of the household. In other words, you should not be left alone to carry the weight of every aspect to keep the household running. While the husband should help around the house, it is also important to include the children. A child should help with chores daily, and according to his or her age and maturity level, a child should learn how to do something new every day. As a mom, you can make a game out of it and make it fun. Perfectionist moms must be careful not to expect children to do things in the exact same way as she would or allow herself to fret over it. In time, children will learn how to do things correctly as they grow. It is more important to teach them the concept of work and how to be a cheerful helper than it is for it to be perfect. After all, a three year old is not going to set the table like a seven year old and that is OK.

A wise mom will understand that it is not imperative to have the house perfectly clean every waking hour. Instead, she should understand that a “lived-in” house can still be a clean and orderly house. Husbands need to understand that as well. Messiness because of laziness is a completely different thing.  Laziness is a sin, but the inability to have a spotless house is not necessarily wrong. A little toy or clothing clutter is not as important as your sanity. In addition, when the child is napping, there is nothing wrong with the young mother napping occasionally as well. A woman needs to set her priorities. Good health and a sound mind are more important than a perfectly cleaned house.

Similarly, it cannot be over emphasized that young mothers need to take care of their bodies by eating healthy foods and getting exercise. Taking the kids for walks or bike rides are great ways to accomplish fun alternatives to exercise plans. Also, try to eat well-balanced meals with healthy snacks and minimize your consumption of pop or sweets.  High concentrations of sugars, caffeine, or "carbs" may cause a burst of energy at first, but it's only temporary, followed by a severe drop in blood sugar, leading to exhaustion during the day and sleeplessness at night.  Increasing vegetables and fruits, balancing protein consumption with lots of water throughout the day, can help increase energy and decrease grogginess. Talking to a nutritional expert or physician about needed dietary changes, vitamin supplements, or exercise benefits could also be beneficial.

Young mothers would also do well to periodically get together with friends with small children. You need socialization as much as your children do. Especially strive to have Christian fellowship. Not only do other Christians make us stronger people (Proverbs 27:17), but they can also help carry your "burdens" when you feel like you are at your wit's end (Galatians 6:2; Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). If you are looking for a place to connect, Calvary offers a variety of Connect Groups especially designed for young families. For example, Calvary's MOMS Connect Group specifically ministers to young mothers, including many play-date opportunities as well as toddler friendly events.

Most importantly, young parents must make sure that their homes are not child-centered but rather Christ-centered. A child's whims and desires are ever changing. If the parents' focus is always centered on their child's desires, then, of course, their energies will be drained away. Parents forget that their children are immature, and should they stoop to appease them, the parents only lower themselves to the children’s level of maturity and disregard their own. This behavior leads to emotionally driven parenting--a roller coaster of ups and downs--instead of a consistent, peaceful home life.  Instead of taking parenting cues from the children, turn to the word of God, and only then can the home can be brought into balance. When Christ is the center of the home, priorities can be easily set, and a mom can better manage the home without the overwhelming feeling of being out of control.  For more information about Christ-centered parenting, the following resources are recommended:  Growing Kids God’s Way by Gary and Ann Marie Ezzo, any of the Baby-wise, Toddler-wise, or Child-wise books by Gary Ezzo, Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp, Withhold Not Correction by Bruce Ray, and What the Bible says about Child Training by J. Richard Fugate.