The Over-Emotional Blame Game

Question: How can you help a family member who is always blaming him or herself? How can I help them in a godly way?

Self-Blame & over-emotionalism often times go hand in hand.  By addressing one, we should address the other, as both are negative behavioral responses to conflict.

The Reasons for Self-Blame & Overly Emotional Behavior

Mirroring- Overly emotional individuals and individuals who blame themselves for everything do so for a variety of reasons.  Oftentimes, people repeat patterns of behavior that are taught to them and consequently reinforced by people around them. For example, a daughter may mirror her mother's behavior. When a mother behaves in a certain way, she teaches her children to act the same way. (After all, as they say, actions speak louder than words. Make sure your actions and reactions reflect what you teach with your mouth.) Back to the example, if the mother tends to overreact in situations and become overly emotional, there is a good chance that the daughter will learn this pattern and react in the same extreme way. It's especially upsetting when two people both respond in an overly emotional way. They will feed into each other’s emotions, escalating the situation and making it worse.  (Blame is the exact same way.) A biblical example of mirroring can be found in Genesis. In Genesis 20, out of fear for his life, Abraham tries to deceive Abimelech by telling him that Sarah is his sister, rather than his wife. Consequently, when he was grown, Isaac (Abraham’s son) mirrored that same behavior of lying in Genesis 26 and told Abimelech that his wife, Rebekah, was actually his sister.  By his actions, Abraham taught Isaac that when afraid it was acceptable to lie, instead of trusting in God and doing what was right.

Self-blame may also be passed down to subsequent generations through mimicry. When the Bible tells us that a sin will be punished in a family until the third or fourth generation (Exodus 20:4-6, Deuteronomy 5:9), it is usually speaking of a pattern of behavior that is passed down and taught from generation to generation.  When sinful behavior is learned and practiced over and over again, of course future generations will carry the consequences of such behavior. In the same way, a child will follow in the footsteps of a self-blaming parent and will teach his or her own children to do the same. The behavior will continue until someone decides to no longer practice self-blaming, as it is not necessary or wise.

Repulsion- Another reason people behave the way they do is out of repulsion--an opposite, but equally negative response to poor behavior. Returning to the example, an overly emotional mother may instead repulse the daughter, who may then act the opposite extreme. This adult child, rather than mirroring the parent’s behavior, will try to detach herself from it. She will avoid showing any emotion whatsoever and possibly become cynical of other people's emotions as well. This is also not a healthy response. After all, God made us emotional beings, with the intent that we would learn how to manage our emotions and not allow them to control us. When we ignore our feelings, instead of learning to control them, they usually build with us until something regrettable happens. Notice in Genesis 4:1-15, the downward spiral of what happens when we allow emotions to rule us instead of welcoming God’s help in controlling them. Cain is a primary example of a man whose emotions and anger got out of control.

For a self-blamer, his or her self-blame may be the response to sinful parents, whom did not want to take personal responsibility. The parents blame the child for the consequences of their actions. After awhile, the child begins to blame him or herself as well, regardless if the situation has anything to do with them. These kinds of self-blamers decide to take it upon themselves to become a self appointed martyr no matter what problem is present at the time. They do not know how to deal with conflict and consequences biblically. In actuality, these individuals need to realize that they are not the cause of all problems and that others need to share in the responsibility as well. If they do not recognize this, these self-blamers will become victims of their own thinking and become easily swayed to another ungodly pattern…that is, self pity.

Manipulation- There is a third reason for over-emotional or self-blaming behavior. Sometimes, it’s a manipulative ploy by the person to get what they want, and usually what they want is the extra attention. Instead of being repulsed or mirroring, as in the example, the daughter reinforces the negative behavior by trying to appease her over-emotional mother. She bends to her parent’s every whim and do whatever it takes to avoid conflicts or emotional outbursts by the mom. This parent might actually find enjoyment in manipulating people, so that she can have whatever makes her happy. By appeasing manipulation, the daughter encourages and reinforces the manipulative behavior. It is the same for the self-blamer. The more a person blames him or herself, the more reaction is elicited from others who will try to make the victim feel better. These individuals notice that the more they self deprecate (tear themselves down), the more attention and sympathy they will get from others. This also is a very self-focused ploy and is very destructive of relationships. A person or family member must be very cautious that his or her reaction to a self-blamer doesn't enable and encourage behavior.

  All three of these patterns (mirroring, repulsion, manipulation/enabling) and are unbiblical, self-centered, and unhealthy. Regardless of the reason, individuals who constantly blame themselves for things are entirely self-focused, rather than God focused.  They have disdain for a world that they are not the center of. Unlike arrogant, self righteous people, who are also not God-centered, they are self focused in that they constantly tear themselves down and blame themselves for everyone’s woes. It becomes all about them, instead of “all about God.”

The Help for Self-Blame & Overly Emotional Behavior

Godly friends should speak the truth in love about this to them, with the hope of restoring them to a right relationship to God and others (Galatians 6:1-5). The difficult thing is that oftentimes this gives them one more thing to blame on themselves, pouring oil onto the proverbial fire. It is important to approach them lovingly, gently, and with sincerity, so as to point out the error of their ways. Show them that it is ridiculous for them to continue to practice self-blaming, but also that it is sin to be so self focused. God is in the forgiveness business and waiting for them to repent and to see things through new eyes. The friend who confronts them must do so wisely, without being enabling or feeding into their manipulation. Help them to understand how destructive this pattern of behavior is to relationships and to themselves, and yet, there is hope for them in Christ Jesus to receive forgiveness and blessing in the aftermath. The confronter ought to be matter of fact, without getting caught up in emotional drama, and help those who “self blame” to understand that we are all in the same boat. Although our sins may differ, we all sin and need forgiveness and redemption from the Lord. The confronter must also not give into the negative attention they are craving for, but instead to speak the truth in love and to help them to see that there is joy and blessing in breaking the cycle of self-centeredness and negativity. As with any sin that needs confronting, the Bible gives detailed instructions on how to approach someone lovingly, yet firmly, honestly, yet fearlessly (Ephesians 4:15).

A few points to remember when deciding to talk with someone are to first bathe yourself in prayer. Ask God to give you words, for you to be loving and gentle, and for the recipient to have an open heart. Then, because we are all sinners who need a Savior, we cannot judge one other for their sins, but instead, we can purpose to reflect on our own sins, pursuing forgiveness and redemption ourselves first (Luke 6:37-42). It is important to approach others with gentleness and meekness, yet not being weak willed in doing so (Galatians 6:1-16). Instead, be confident that what you are doing is right before the Lord. Your motivation should never be anything less than to help this person become restored and closer to Christ. Matthew 18:15 discusses the important of going to the person to speak with them on a one to one basis. It should be done in private so nobody will be embarrassed. The self blamer will then come to realize through the work of the Holy Spirit, and the kind loving words of you as his or her friend, that the only way to become truly free from this sinful pattern is through a dynamic relationship with their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  It is not as much about changing behavior, as it is about true heart change…and a heart that is Christ-focused is no longer self-focused.

Sometimes, however, self-blamers need biblical counseling.  This type of counseling would not encourage a high self esteem, but rather help them to focus on God and who they are in Christ. Self-blamers need to see themselves through God’s eyes, rather than the eyes of others or even their own eyes.  They need to understand what they are responsible for and what they are not and how to respond biblically to those who are blaming them unnecessarily. Instead of turning to people for reassurance, they ought to turn to God. Once they know who they truly are in Christ, as confident, strong, although flawed children of God, they will realize that God is by their side every step of the way. They will no longer need to blame themselves unnecessarily. They can learn to take responsibility for their own actions only, lean on the Lord to help them, and entrust their problems to Him. However, redemption, restoration, and living freely in Christ, all start with an honest conversation by those who love them.