Drained and Denying

Question: As a mom who is home with small children all day is pulled in multiple directions and completely drained by the end of the day, when it seems as though all of my energy goes to my children, how am I able to give anything to my husband at the end of the day? Intimacy comes last right now.

Being a stay-at-home mom with young children is a full time job, and many people do not understand how hard it truly is. Not just stay-at-home moms, but this blog post is for all moms, whom all should be applauded for the molding and shaping of their children. The time moms have at home with their children is vital for character and spiritual development.  It is easy for a young mom to get exhausted and believe that she has no time for her husband. Fortunately, there are ways to combat those feelings. Start by planning your day. Don't settle for being a victim to the comings and goings and random busyness of raising children. You are the one in charge of your time. Whether it's mentally setting aside time or actually writing it on a calendar, purposely plan your day. And don't forget to set aside at least an hour or two each day to give to your husband. Scheduling may not seem as romantic, but it's more important to keep your marriage healthy than to keep a transient, whimsical notion. Not only is spending time with your spouse good for you and your marriage, but it's also beneficial for your children as well. Dr. Gary and Ann Marie Ezzo, authors of Growing Kids God’s Way curriculum, state that when you set aside time for your spouse, children develop of better sense of security and peace. Seeing their mom and dad spending time alone on a regular basis confirms to children that in a tumultuous world their home is a safe, unchanging harbor of love. It is vital for young mothers to spend time with their husbands daily, but the question is, how to do it?

Young children consume a lot of time and energy from their mothers; however, to truly re-charge and regain strength, a wise mom makes the Lord her priority. Whether it is early in the morning before the kids wakeup or in the evening after they are put to bed, make sure you also schedule time to seek God and the Holy Spirit. Try discussing the possible options with your husband to see what time of the day works best with both of your schedules. Perhaps he can help relieve some of your duties by either making breakfast in the morning or doing the evening dishes and bedtime rituals at night.  Remember, don't let the children consume your life and energy. Take control of your life and your time. Only by seeking the Holy Spirit can you ever hope to truly refresh and re-energize your life. Whenever you feel like you are at the end of your rope, take time remember and repeat this verse. "The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and he helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him." Psalm 28:7

Often times, people think that “spending time with the Lord” has to be a lengthy or arduous process. It's just not so. Just as a young mom eats daily meals, she needs to consider her time with Jesus as a daily time of refreshment and solitude. A scripture passage, prayer, and listening to her Savior can take as little or as much time as she wants. The most important factor is that she is growing and gleaning from God’s precious Word.  It's only in His scriptures that she can find that the Lord promises strength when she puts her hope in Him (Isaiah 40:31). He promises wisdom when she asks of it (James 1:5). And He promises that when she follows His commands, it will go well with her and her children (Deuteronomy 4:40). It's important not to forget that He also teaches about marriage and how a wife is supposed to treat her spouse. In 1 Corinthians 7:3-5, He discusses the importance of intimacy in marriage and how spouses are not to deprive each other. The only allowance is through mutual consent, so that they can fully devote themselves to prayer. This means intimacy is a priority regardless of “how you feel at the moment.” Fortunately, here are few ideas that will help a young mom gain the extra time and energy she needs, so that she can meet her husband’s needs as well.

It's important to remember that being a mom does not mean that she is solely responsible for the perfection of the entirety of the household. In other words, you should not be left alone to carry the weight of every aspect to keep the household running. While the husband should help around the house, it is also important to include the children. A child should help with chores daily, and according to his or her age and maturity level, a child should learn how to do something new every day. As a mom, you can make a game out of it and make it fun. Perfectionist moms must be careful not to expect children to do things in the exact same way as she would or allow herself to fret over it. In time, children will learn how to do things correctly as they grow. It is more important to teach them the concept of work and how to be a cheerful helper than it is for it to be perfect. After all, a three year old is not going to set the table like a seven year old and that is OK.

A wise mom will understand that it is not imperative to have the house perfectly clean every waking hour. Instead, she should understand that a “lived-in” house can still be a clean and orderly house. Husbands need to understand that as well. Messiness because of laziness is a completely different thing.  Laziness is a sin, but the inability to have a spotless house is not necessarily wrong. A little toy or clothing clutter is not as important as your sanity. In addition, when the child is napping, there is nothing wrong with the young mother napping occasionally as well. A woman needs to set her priorities. Good health and a sound mind are more important than a perfectly cleaned house.

Similarly, it cannot be over emphasized that young mothers need to take care of their bodies by eating healthy foods and getting exercise. Taking the kids for walks or bike rides are great ways to accomplish fun alternatives to exercise plans. Also, try to eat well-balanced meals with healthy snacks and minimize your consumption of pop or sweets.  High concentrations of sugars, caffeine, or "carbs" may cause a burst of energy at first, but it's only temporary, followed by a severe drop in blood sugar, leading to exhaustion during the day and sleeplessness at night.  Increasing vegetables and fruits, balancing protein consumption with lots of water throughout the day, can help increase energy and decrease grogginess. Talking to a nutritional expert or physician about needed dietary changes, vitamin supplements, or exercise benefits could also be beneficial.

Young mothers would also do well to periodically get together with friends with small children. You need socialization as much as your children do. Especially strive to have Christian fellowship. Not only do other Christians make us stronger people (Proverbs 27:17), but they can also help carry your "burdens" when you feel like you are at your wit's end (Galatians 6:2; Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). If you are looking for a place to connect, Calvary offers a variety of Connect Groups especially designed for young families. For example, Calvary's MOMS Connect Group specifically ministers to young mothers, including many play-date opportunities as well as toddler friendly events.

Most importantly, young parents must make sure that their homes are not child-centered but rather Christ-centered. A child's whims and desires are ever changing. If the parents' focus is always centered on their child's desires, then, of course, their energies will be drained away. Parents forget that their children are immature, and should they stoop to appease them, the parents only lower themselves to the children’s level of maturity and disregard their own. This behavior leads to emotionally driven parenting--a roller coaster of ups and downs--instead of a consistent, peaceful home life.  Instead of taking parenting cues from the children, turn to the word of God, and only then can the home can be brought into balance. When Christ is the center of the home, priorities can be easily set, and a mom can better manage the home without the overwhelming feeling of being out of control.  For more information about Christ-centered parenting, the following resources are recommended:  Growing Kids God’s Way by Gary and Ann Marie Ezzo, any of the Baby-wise, Toddler-wise, or Child-wise books by Gary Ezzo, Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Tedd Tripp, Withhold Not Correction by Bruce Ray, and What the Bible says about Child Training by J. Richard Fugate.

The Over-Emotional Blame Game

Question: How can you help a family member who is always blaming him or herself? How can I help them in a godly way?

Self-Blame & over-emotionalism often times go hand in hand.  By addressing one, we should address the other, as both are negative behavioral responses to conflict.

The Reasons for Self-Blame & Overly Emotional Behavior

Mirroring- Overly emotional individuals and individuals who blame themselves for everything do so for a variety of reasons.  Oftentimes, people repeat patterns of behavior that are taught to them and consequently reinforced by people around them. For example, a daughter may mirror her mother's behavior. When a mother behaves in a certain way, she teaches her children to act the same way. (After all, as they say, actions speak louder than words. Make sure your actions and reactions reflect what you teach with your mouth.) Back to the example, if the mother tends to overreact in situations and become overly emotional, there is a good chance that the daughter will learn this pattern and react in the same extreme way. It's especially upsetting when two people both respond in an overly emotional way. They will feed into each other’s emotions, escalating the situation and making it worse.  (Blame is the exact same way.) A biblical example of mirroring can be found in Genesis. In Genesis 20, out of fear for his life, Abraham tries to deceive Abimelech by telling him that Sarah is his sister, rather than his wife. Consequently, when he was grown, Isaac (Abraham’s son) mirrored that same behavior of lying in Genesis 26 and told Abimelech that his wife, Rebekah, was actually his sister.  By his actions, Abraham taught Isaac that when afraid it was acceptable to lie, instead of trusting in God and doing what was right.

Self-blame may also be passed down to subsequent generations through mimicry. When the Bible tells us that a sin will be punished in a family until the third or fourth generation (Exodus 20:4-6, Deuteronomy 5:9), it is usually speaking of a pattern of behavior that is passed down and taught from generation to generation.  When sinful behavior is learned and practiced over and over again, of course future generations will carry the consequences of such behavior. In the same way, a child will follow in the footsteps of a self-blaming parent and will teach his or her own children to do the same. The behavior will continue until someone decides to no longer practice self-blaming, as it is not necessary or wise.

Repulsion- Another reason people behave the way they do is out of repulsion--an opposite, but equally negative response to poor behavior. Returning to the example, an overly emotional mother may instead repulse the daughter, who may then act the opposite extreme. This adult child, rather than mirroring the parent’s behavior, will try to detach herself from it. She will avoid showing any emotion whatsoever and possibly become cynical of other people's emotions as well. This is also not a healthy response. After all, God made us emotional beings, with the intent that we would learn how to manage our emotions and not allow them to control us. When we ignore our feelings, instead of learning to control them, they usually build with us until something regrettable happens. Notice in Genesis 4:1-15, the downward spiral of what happens when we allow emotions to rule us instead of welcoming God’s help in controlling them. Cain is a primary example of a man whose emotions and anger got out of control.

For a self-blamer, his or her self-blame may be the response to sinful parents, whom did not want to take personal responsibility. The parents blame the child for the consequences of their actions. After awhile, the child begins to blame him or herself as well, regardless if the situation has anything to do with them. These kinds of self-blamers decide to take it upon themselves to become a self appointed martyr no matter what problem is present at the time. They do not know how to deal with conflict and consequences biblically. In actuality, these individuals need to realize that they are not the cause of all problems and that others need to share in the responsibility as well. If they do not recognize this, these self-blamers will become victims of their own thinking and become easily swayed to another ungodly pattern…that is, self pity.

Manipulation- There is a third reason for over-emotional or self-blaming behavior. Sometimes, it’s a manipulative ploy by the person to get what they want, and usually what they want is the extra attention. Instead of being repulsed or mirroring, as in the example, the daughter reinforces the negative behavior by trying to appease her over-emotional mother. She bends to her parent’s every whim and do whatever it takes to avoid conflicts or emotional outbursts by the mom. This parent might actually find enjoyment in manipulating people, so that she can have whatever makes her happy. By appeasing manipulation, the daughter encourages and reinforces the manipulative behavior. It is the same for the self-blamer. The more a person blames him or herself, the more reaction is elicited from others who will try to make the victim feel better. These individuals notice that the more they self deprecate (tear themselves down), the more attention and sympathy they will get from others. This also is a very self-focused ploy and is very destructive of relationships. A person or family member must be very cautious that his or her reaction to a self-blamer doesn't enable and encourage behavior.

  All three of these patterns (mirroring, repulsion, manipulation/enabling) and are unbiblical, self-centered, and unhealthy. Regardless of the reason, individuals who constantly blame themselves for things are entirely self-focused, rather than God focused.  They have disdain for a world that they are not the center of. Unlike arrogant, self righteous people, who are also not God-centered, they are self focused in that they constantly tear themselves down and blame themselves for everyone’s woes. It becomes all about them, instead of “all about God.”

The Help for Self-Blame & Overly Emotional Behavior

Godly friends should speak the truth in love about this to them, with the hope of restoring them to a right relationship to God and others (Galatians 6:1-5). The difficult thing is that oftentimes this gives them one more thing to blame on themselves, pouring oil onto the proverbial fire. It is important to approach them lovingly, gently, and with sincerity, so as to point out the error of their ways. Show them that it is ridiculous for them to continue to practice self-blaming, but also that it is sin to be so self focused. God is in the forgiveness business and waiting for them to repent and to see things through new eyes. The friend who confronts them must do so wisely, without being enabling or feeding into their manipulation. Help them to understand how destructive this pattern of behavior is to relationships and to themselves, and yet, there is hope for them in Christ Jesus to receive forgiveness and blessing in the aftermath. The confronter ought to be matter of fact, without getting caught up in emotional drama, and help those who “self blame” to understand that we are all in the same boat. Although our sins may differ, we all sin and need forgiveness and redemption from the Lord. The confronter must also not give into the negative attention they are craving for, but instead to speak the truth in love and to help them to see that there is joy and blessing in breaking the cycle of self-centeredness and negativity. As with any sin that needs confronting, the Bible gives detailed instructions on how to approach someone lovingly, yet firmly, honestly, yet fearlessly (Ephesians 4:15).

A few points to remember when deciding to talk with someone are to first bathe yourself in prayer. Ask God to give you words, for you to be loving and gentle, and for the recipient to have an open heart. Then, because we are all sinners who need a Savior, we cannot judge one other for their sins, but instead, we can purpose to reflect on our own sins, pursuing forgiveness and redemption ourselves first (Luke 6:37-42). It is important to approach others with gentleness and meekness, yet not being weak willed in doing so (Galatians 6:1-16). Instead, be confident that what you are doing is right before the Lord. Your motivation should never be anything less than to help this person become restored and closer to Christ. Matthew 18:15 discusses the important of going to the person to speak with them on a one to one basis. It should be done in private so nobody will be embarrassed. The self blamer will then come to realize through the work of the Holy Spirit, and the kind loving words of you as his or her friend, that the only way to become truly free from this sinful pattern is through a dynamic relationship with their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.  It is not as much about changing behavior, as it is about true heart change…and a heart that is Christ-focused is no longer self-focused.

Sometimes, however, self-blamers need biblical counseling.  This type of counseling would not encourage a high self esteem, but rather help them to focus on God and who they are in Christ. Self-blamers need to see themselves through God’s eyes, rather than the eyes of others or even their own eyes.  They need to understand what they are responsible for and what they are not and how to respond biblically to those who are blaming them unnecessarily. Instead of turning to people for reassurance, they ought to turn to God. Once they know who they truly are in Christ, as confident, strong, although flawed children of God, they will realize that God is by their side every step of the way. They will no longer need to blame themselves unnecessarily. They can learn to take responsibility for their own actions only, lean on the Lord to help them, and entrust their problems to Him. However, redemption, restoration, and living freely in Christ, all start with an honest conversation by those who love them.