Unequally Yoked 3: Lifetime Sentence

Over ten years ago, one of my best friends decided to marry a non-Christian. It was a whirlwind relationship, lasting only a few weeks, and she was definitely seeing stars instead of reality. He grew up in a religious home, where he went to church occasionally as a child.  I warned her against marrying him and reminded her that even though his family was religious, his religion did not line up with the Word of God. She told me that she believed God told her to be with him regardless, so that she could be a good witness and hopefully lead him to Christ. I privately knew she was wrong. While it’s very good to be a witness to your non-Christian friends, it's another thing entirely to marry one of them. After all, God specifically said not to be unequally yoked in 2 Corinthians 6:14-16, and God never contradicts His Word. (As a side note, if you ever think that God is telling you to do something, and it is direct violation of what the Bible says, it is not God speaking to you. It is your feelings speaking to you, and your mind trying to rationalize away the difference.) Fast-forward ten years to the present.  My friend is still married because as a Christian she knows marriage is a lifetime commitment, but her marriage is under constant strain and discord. Not only were they unequally yoked in religion, but they were also unequally yoked in every aspect of their relationship. (See previous blog posts about being unequally yoked.) My friend’s impetuous nature had tied her to an unhappy marriage of extreme opposites. Sometimes though, it is not the Christian’s fault. He or she unintentionally ends up being unequally yoked because the person receives Christ after marriage, while his or her spouse does not.  Adding to difficulty, the non-Christian may resent the Christian spouse for the sudden change. All the while, the Christian spouse is torn between loyalties on how to please both Christ and his or her spouse, especially when doing one might mean displeasing the other. Being unequally yoked has been a problem since the early days of Christianity. Fortunately, for cases such as these, Paul gives us detailed instructions in 1 Corinthians 7.     
       
First, the Bible says to remain married. Being unequally yoked is not a reason to divorce, despite the hardship (1 Corinthians 7:10-13). Second, you are called to be an example of Christ in your home. Anything you do or say will reflect upon Jesus. If you let your flesh, temper, or fears guide you, then why would your unbelieving spouse want to believe? Let the change that God has done in you and is continually doing be reflected through your actions (1 Corinthians 7:14-16). Third and finally, God has called you to this place and to this marriage. In the Message translation of the Bible, it says in 1 Corinthians 7:17, "Don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life." There is a divine calling placed on your life to be the best Christian spouse you can be. Even when it's hard being in an unequally yoked marriage, just remember that God believes in you and the example you set, and someday it may inspire your unbelieving spouse to turn to Him.

In the meantime, follow God’s instruction on how to be a good spouse. A Christian husband should love his wife unconditionally, even when it means putting to death his ego and tempers. A Christian wife should respect her husband and submit herself to him (Ephesians 5:22-33). While submission seems to have a nasty, abusive connotation nowadays, it really means to humble your desires and consider his feelings above your own. You place yourself under your husband’s godly authority, choosing to believe in him instead of putting him down. It’s the same sacrificial love that a husband should give his wife, just displayed differently. The Christian husband should be gentle and understanding in his approach, so his wife does not get discouraged. While the Christian wife should be honoring, so the husband knows she is his ally who will stand by his side. Remember, it is your character that matters, who you are on the inside, and how you treat each other that will last (1 Peter 3:1-7).  As a Christian spouse, it is also your responsibility to sexually satisfy your husband or wife and not deny him/her (1 Corinthians 7:1-5).  And daily cover yourself with the Word of God and prayer, so you can recognize and concede to God’s guidance.  To sum up all these things, commit this passage from Colossians 3:12-14 to heart as a reminder to yourself of how God wants us to treat one another. 

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

The challenge God has allowed in your life of being unequally yoked will be a difficult one of endurance, patience, and love.  It will probably be the hardest, but most rewarding, burden to bear for His name, for great will be your joy when your spouse realizes his or her need for Jesus. However, this won’t occur from your nagging or ridicule, but can only come from a place of prayer, seeking God’s Word, being a Christian example, and displaying honest love. Yes, just as it was for you, salvation can only come from and through Jesus. Just as surely as someone else was interceding on your behalf, praying for you to be saved, and even if you were unaware, great was their joy when you received Christ. Take heart, it is now your turn to do the same. 

After years of frustrations, sometimes my friend calls me, throwing up her hands in frustration. "I have done everything I can do. It's hopeless. I don't know what else to do but leave him." I say the same to you as I say to her, from the same place of love and understanding. Do not say you have done everything you can do, if you haven't really done everything you can do. If you are doing what is right, if you are being the spouse God wants you to be, continue doing what is right and then, do it over and over again. The moment you throw up your arms in surrender is the moment that you haven't tried everything. Take a moment to think about what God wants you to do next. Perhaps, it is something you haven’t even thought to try yet, or it’s something that you’ve stopped doing, or maybe it’s something you need to keep continuing to do because it’s working, and it’s just your impatience that hinders the progress. When you are tired, as we all are sometimes, and find yourself at the end of your rope, don’t be afraid to seek Biblical counsel. You are not alone but a part of the body of Christ, and we care for you. Seek out a reliable Christian mentor, or even marital counseling from Calvary’s pastoral staff, and share your burden. There is help and hope for you even in the most difficult of times. Just remember, that even when man (or woman) fails you, God will be with you for every step of this burden that He has allowed you to bear. He promises to be your comfort and guide as you press forward diligently. (1 Peter 5:6-7; Philippians 3:13-14)

Unequally Yoked 2: Beyond Belief

It's a tale as old as time. Girl feels lonely and feels like something is wrong with her for being alone. Girl dates guy who isn't right for her. Girl marries guy, trying to fulfill the Disney-esque fantasy of finding the "one." Girl is miserable. This situation is oftentimes reversed too. Guy marries girl who isn’t right for him, and it is still the same outcome, still just as miserable. Too often, people run headlong into love, romance, and marriage without really considering if it's truly the best thing to do. As Pastor Bill says, it is better to be miserable and single than to be miserable and married.  During the early stages of dating and even before marriage is ever considered, it’s important to stop and take a moment and really think about your relationship. Put aside the fuzzy feelings and hormones and ask yourself if you are right for each other or if you are unequally yoked.

           

Being unequally yoked goes beyond two people saying the sinner’s prayer. It goes beyond saying you are both Christians. While being a Christian should be the first and foremost requirement when finding someone to date or marry (see previous blog post), it should not be the only thing you consider before marrying. Before committing yourself to marry someone who isn’t right for you, consider whether you will be equally yoked beyond religious beliefs.

First, when you decide to marry someone, you want to make sure that he or she is the same “type” of Christian as you. Here’s what I mean: there is a difference between people who say they are Christians and people who are actually Christians. In Matthew 7:15-23, Jesus mentions this type of people and calls them “false disciples.” He said that we can distinguish between true Christians and the false disciples by their “fruit.”  “Fruit” is symbolic of the growth Christians can only hope to achieve when they remain planted in God; it’s the active obedience and love for His commands (John 15:1-17).  If unsure, a Christian only needs to turn to God’s Word for examples of fruit and a true Christian walk (Galatians 5:21-26). Is your significant other indulging his or her fleshly nature (personal desires), or is he or she putting God and His commands first? Does he or she display kindness, joy, peace, love, patience, a conviction for holiness, as well as other fruit of the Spirit?

 

 Pastor Doug Clay, a previous pastor of Calvary, said in a sermon once that there are 4 types of Christians to be mindful of. There is the Cultural Christian, Casual Christian, Carnal Christian, and Committed Christian. A Cultural Christian is someone who professes Christ as his Savior and Lord but has no growing relationship with Him. The Cultural Christian doesn’t bear fruit because he or she isn’t really committed to Jesus or following God’s ways. So, while Cultural Christians may profess Jesus and identify with being part of the Kingdom of God, when tested they will fall away. As described in James 2:14-26, these people often display faith, but no deeds. Cultural Christians are like the seeds that fall on rocky places in Jesus’ parable of the sower (Mark 4:1-20). They immediately accept God’s Word with joy, but without the commitment to Jesus and practicing Christian disciplines, the seed of God’s Word quickly dies away (Mark 4:16-17).

Like the Cultural Christian, the Casual Christian also accepts and professes Christ as Savior. However, Casual Christians don’t give Jesus every area in their lives. Thinking their way is best, this type of Christian misses out on the potential joy, peace, and restoration that can only come from having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.  Instead of surrendering to Jesus, being a Christian to them means maintaining a religious duty, like a moral checklist of what not to do. These are Christians who are willing to show and perform deeds without investing in their faith. While they follow all of the commands and even regularly attend church services, it’s an obligation. Without the joy or depth of a relationship with Jesus, they lack grace and compassion for others. Like the seed that falls on thorny ground, the seed of God’s Word gets choked out of them because when they can no longer handle life’s stresses, they turn to themselves for a solution instead of God. By refusing a personal relationship with Him, it becomes their personal downfall (Mark 4:18-19).

The Carnal Christian displays neither faith nor deeds. The Carnal Christian is Christian in name only, like a generational label passed onto them from their family. They only follow their fleshly impulses. They do what they want. Their actions and decisions have little to do with biblical values or God’s Word. Instead, they base their decisions on their own feelings and opinions. The most important thing to them is “themselves,” and it doesn’t matter if what they desire is in direct violation of God’s Word. In the parable of the sower, the Carnal Christian is like the seed that was trampled on the path (Mark 4:15). The hope of God could never take root because the Carnal Christian is too hard-hearted.

 Finally, the Committed Christian desires to live according to God’s standards. There is joy in both faith and deeds because there is a personal relationship with Jesus and a desire to grow. The Committed Christian seeks God and His Word for his/her strength. Like the seed that falls on good soil, the Committed Christian takes God’s Word to heart and multiplies it and allows it to continuously grow (Mark 4:20).  All this is to say, if you are Committed Christian and you have an active, growing relationship with God, then no other type of Christian but another Committed Christian is right for you. In addition, any other type of Christian will be unequally yoked with you. While it may not seem like such a difference while you are dating, it will affect you when you are married. Without the support of a personal relationship with Jesus or the commitment to God’s Word, you and your spouse will not be in unison when there are future decisions to be made, when stress and strife come your way, when you are deciding on how to raise children or managing finances.  Being unequally yoked will create turmoil, heartbreak, and dissension in your home. For your sake and the sake of your future family, do not settle for less than God’s best for you, or you will come to regret it someday if you choose a “Christian”, who really isn’t a Christian at all.

Being unequally yoked extends beyond religious beliefs, but also includes the differences in personality traits, backgrounds, convictions, and priorities. Consider what’s really important to you now. If you ever think, this person would be perfect if only “this or that”” would change, there’s a potential red flag. Don’t ignore red flags and hope they will eventually fix themselves. Red flags are there for a reason. Sometimes, the Holy Spirit is warning you to not get too attached. Seriously consider your “deal breakers.” What can you not live with? After all, what’s an annoyance now will be unbearable after marriage. Come to terms with the knowledge that the other person will not change no matter what you do. After all, you expect him or her to accept you as you are with all your flaws and failures. You should extend the same courtesy toward your potential mate when you have marriage in mind. Are you willing to accept the flaws of your significant other, give up your opinion for his or her own, and refuse to nag them about it in the future? If this is a problem for you and there are differences you can’t overcome, or if there is unrepentant sin present in his/her life, it is time to pull back on the reigns and slow down the relationship and really think about whether  it’s the right relationship for you.

         

Despite any pressure you feel, it’s okay to take a break. It is better to take your time than regret hastiness some day in the future, so really think, pray, and seek God’s Word to see how your potential spouse lines up. Whether it is out of fear of hurting your significant other’s feelings or because you want to avoid conflict, if you do not take the time to assess your relationship early on, you risk greater damage done to both you and your relationship. Make sure you also communicate with your boyfriend/girlfriend, so you can understand the concerns he/she has about you. Also, take time to assess how important this person is in your life. You should never place him or her on pedestal above God. Whenever you place others above God, the disappointment will only be that much greater when they stumble and fail.

 Also, when you take the time to assess, understand what your personal priorities are and how they compare to your potential mate’s. Consider the other person’s background. Would you be willing to accept his or her family as your own? What kind of upbringing did your potential spouse have, and how will that affect his or her future parenting? Does he or she even want children? Does he/she have a healthy relationship with his/ her parent of the opposite sex? After all, how your spouse treats his or her opposite-sex parent is a good indicator of how he or she will treat you. Consider any cultural differences that might conflict between families. Also, consider his or her personality traits and priorities. How is personal health and well being handled? Is he or she a health nut vs. junk food addict; couch potatoes vs. 5K marathoners? How does he or she handle personal finances? Does he or she plan for the future with long term financial goals? Consider cleanliness & hygiene. Some people are more avid bathers and tidier housekeepers than others are. Consider temperament and how both of you handle arguments/conflict as well as how you communicate love to each other. Even consider how much education they’ve had or intellect they possess. After awhile, this all may seem like nitpicking, but in actuality, knowing these things in advance prepares you for the future. While it may be said that opposites attract, the truth is the less you have in common with your future spouse, the more you will have to overcome in order to have a happy, healthy relationship. If a miser marries a shopaholic, or a neat freak marries a slob, there will be unavoidable conflict. If you don’t have a plan for how you deal with this conflict, you might find yourself unprepared and overwhelmed when facing it during marriage. Once again, expect that your significant other will never change. Could you learn to accept that part of this person that annoys you now? If not, then perhaps you are in the wrong relationship. Perhaps, you are unequally yoked.

It is important to recognize that you do not need to find someone who shares all the same traits and hobbies as you. There is a difference between conflicting and complementing traits. Conflicting traits will war against each other every time. When two people are unable to understand each other’s point-of-view and are unable to change, these opposite traits can do nothing else but create conflict. For example, a slob may not be able to become a “neat freak” no matter how much he or she wants to, and their slovenly ways will only exasperate his/her tidier spouse.  Complementing traits are also opposite traits; however, the difference is when one person recognizes his or her weakness and decides to allow the other person to help, since for him/her it is an area of strength. However, when a person does not recognize an area as a weakness, even if you beg to differ, you cannot force him/her as this is a conflicting trait and will probably not change no matter how much you argue about it. (Also, there is a difference in conflicting traits and sin. Sin is always wrong. Conflicting traits is just a difference of opinion or preference.) A good example of complementing traits is when a person is weak in an area, such as managing the checkbook, and decides to hand over the day-to-day finances to the spouse. Unfortunately, the more opposite traits you and your potential spouse possess, the more difficult it will be to overcome the conflicting differences. For some people, it is better to end the dating relationship early on than force it to endure. Because once you are married, you will have no other choice but to endure and constantly work to overcome and forgive these differences.

 It is also important to recognize both the weaknesses and strengths in your partner as well as the weaknesses and strengths in yourself. What are your weaknesses, and could your partner accept you if you never change? In addition, are you the right person for him or her? Is he or she a better or worse person by being with you? Before you can discern whether you are in an unequally yoked relationship, you must first be honest with yourself about who God created you to be.    

In conclusion, love is more than society’s definition of fuzzy feelings, hormones, or shared affection, which all comes and goes. True love is the action of choosing to place your needs aside and the other person’s welfare above yourself. True love is sacrificial. If you or your potential spouse is unwilling to do that, then you are in the wrong relationship. While it may difficult or painful to end it, it will be much worse and much more painful if you put it off and end up unequally yoked in marriage. One day, when your relationship faces hardship and the feelings fade, what will support your relationship through the hard times? If you based your relationship on the truths of God’s Word, a mutual relationship with Jesus, and a true friendship with each other, it will be able to stand the test of time. If it is not based on these things, in the end, you have only yourself to blame. Please take the time to stop, think, and pray and consider all these things before you end up in relationship that is less than what God wants for you.